Bridge Over Weird Water
by FoxOnPie
Summary: (Reunion Falls AU) Growing up in Gravity Falls, Dipper Pines has had to deal with crazy stuff on a regular basis. He's faced ghosts, leprechauns, fish people, and even man-eating sentient teddy bears. But no amount of monster fighting could ever prepare Dipper for the biggest oddity to date: the arrival of his long-lost twin sister, Mabel. WKLV'OO EH RQH FUDCB VXPPHU. Also on AO3.
1. Not that Stellar a Reunion

"Okay… this should be the place." The little girl in the shooting star sweater looked up from the map in her hands towards the building in front of her. It was old, shabby, and looked like it could fall apart at any moment. The Mystery Shack was exactly how the guy at the tourist center described it to her. "Now to just knock on the door and get started with everything. And… go!" With slight hesitation, the girl walked up to the tourist trap and knocked on the door.

"Welcome to the Mystery Shack, miss!" The door opened immediately. Standing behind it was a boy who looked to be the girl's age and height dressed in a suit with a red fez on his head. His appearance was so startling that the girl ended up taking half a step back.

"Um…"

"My name is Dipper Pines, but you can call me Kid Mystery! Step right this way for a tour of incredible amazement at an arguably reasonable price!"

"Actually, I'm here to-"

"Please! Hold all questions until the end, my friend!"

"But I-" This time, Dipper leaned in close when he made his interjection.

"Listen, I hate to be 'that guy', but this goes a _lot_ faster if you just keep your mouth shut and move along. Everyone does that, and everyone always has a good time. You get what I'm saying?"

"I… guess?"

"Good enough! Let's go!" Dipper turned back around and headed into the Mystery Shack. Begrudgingly, the girl picked up her luggage and followed him inside.

* * *

Out of all the things Dipper loved in the world, easy marks were definitely near the top of the list, and this girl was definitely one. Cutesy sweater, multiple bags of clothes and whatnot, map to the Mystery Shack even an idiot could read; this girl basically had "gullible tourist" written all over her face, and there was no way he wouldn't abuse that to high heaven.

"Behold, the Corn-i-corn, a unicorn made entirely out of corn!"

"Wow, it's so pretty!" The doe-eyed girl exclaimed as she applauded the cheap display of corn glued to wire. Step One: Charm them with the random junk of the Mystery Shack. "I've never seen a unicorn made of corn outside of my dreams!"

" _Really_?" Step Two: Latch onto whatever shit sticks to the wall. "Sounds like we've got ourselves a unicorn lover."

"Yeah, you do! Unicorn was my first word, you know!"

"A _dor_ able. Then please allow me to direct your attention to the majestic Beavercorn!" With a flourish of the hand, Dipper pointed to a stuffed beaver with a horn crudely glued to its head.

"Ooh!"

"The magnificent Grizzlycorn!" The girl's attention was directed to a mounted bear head on the wall with a fake horn glued to it.

"Aah!"

"And _le piece de resistance_ -that's Spanish for 'Big Finale'-a portrait of a Multiunicorn! That's a unicorn with a unicorn attached to its horn, with that unicorn having a unicorn attached to its horn, and that that one having a unicorn attached to its horn, and so on and so forth… behold!" With a snap of his fingers, Dipper turned the girl's focus towards the aforementioned portrait, which was just as odd as he described.

"...Whoa…" The girl didn't see it that way, though. "I'm going to dream about that every day of my life until I die…"

"That's all I could hope for." Now it was time for Step Three: Bleed them dry. "And that concludes the tour, my friend! Before you leave, though, please! Take a look at the fine inventory of our giftshop! I think I saw an 'I saw the Corn-i-corn and all I got was this stupid T-shirt' T-shirt with your name on it!"

"Actually, Dipper…" The girl started as she was led into the aforementioned gift shop, a room filled to the brim with snack food and cheesy knickknacks, "I don't have any money. Spent all of it on the bus ticket up here."

"Then you know where the exit is! Please use it immediately before I have to force you out."

"I can't just-"

"Seriously, leave. Trying to run a business here, girl."

"But I can't leave this place! I came here for a reason. A big reason! Me being here is, like, the biggest thing I've ever done in my life!"

"...Really?" Dipper couldn't help but turn his head in confusion. "It's really that important that you're in a place like this? Why? Who are you supposed to be?"

" _Finally_." The girl took a deep breath, closed and opened her eyes in succession, and stared straight at Dipper with a toothy, braces-filled smile. "My name is Mabel Pines, and I'm… I'm your sister!"

"...Pfft! Pffhaha!" Dipper immediately broke out in laughter.

"H-Hey! What's so funny?!"

"Y-You are, girl! Trying to pull the 'long lost relative' con, are you? That's hilarious!"

"I'm serious!" Mabel exclaimed with a glare (coming from her, though, it was more of an adorable pout).

"Right, right, right…" After thirty seconds, Dipper finally calmed himself down. "Look Mabel, can I call you Mabel? I don't know what your real name is, so I'll just call you Mabel. Mabel, I might be just a beginner in the world of con artists, but even that's enough to see through a cheap trick like this."

"But it's true! I _am_ your sister, Dipper!" Mabel got right in front of his face to accentuate her statement.

"You are not convincing in the slightest. There's no possible way that you… could be… my…" Now that this "Mabel" girl was right in front of him, Dipper was forced to really take in the physical aspects of her upper body. Didn't take that long, though, since they apparently had the same face and curly brown hair, though his hair was short while hers covered her back.

"No way…" Mabel smiled wide as he said this. With a feeling of astonishment, Dipper grabbed a hat off one of the shelves, put it on the girl's head, and shoveled her hair into it until it was at the same level of his own. Now when he looked at her, it was like looking at himself in a skirt.

"Oh my God…" Mabel's smile got even wider. "This… This isn't a trick. You're really my… my… my…"

"Hug me, brotha!" Arms spread wide, Mabel charged at Dipper with the intent of embracing him. Dipper immediately stepped out of the way, leading to Mabel tripping over her own feet and falling onto the floor.

"The heck are you doing, kid?" Right in front of the feet of an old man dressed in the same clothes as Dipper, though he also wore a pair of glasses (for some reason, there was an eyepatch over one of the lenses). "This look like a playground, to you? If you're done with the tour, then buy something or… get out…" The old man was suddenly at a loss for words when he got a good look at Mabel, even flipping up his eyepatch to look at her with both eyes.

"Good morning, Grunkle Stan," Dipper said, the boy's passive aggression not even masked a little. "This is Mabel. _Apparently_ , she's my sister."

"Hello!" Mabel shouted as she got up off the floor.

"Care to weigh in on this?"

"...Uhhhh…" Stan, noticing the dense level of awkwardness in the air, did the only thing that he could think of doing: jump out the window, run to his car, and drive away. In his haste, however, Stan accidentally backed up into a tree.

* * *

"Yeah, she's fine. Kid got here in one piece. ... _No_ , this wasn't my idea. She just showed up outta nowhere! ...I don't think she's gonna like that. ...You think I don't know that? Of course I know that! But they're already together, so we might as well let them stay together! ...Right, right. ...I'll ask him." Stan put his phone down and turned to Dipper, now dressed in shorts and a brown jacket over a red shirt.

"Hey Dipper, you wanna-"

"No." Dipper's response came out so fast it seemed automatic.

"Yeah, thought so." Stan picked up his phone and went back to his conversation with the people on the other line: Dipper and Mabel's parents. Two people who, up until an hour ago, Dipper had no idea existed.

"This is pretty exciting, huh?" Along with the girl sitting next to him on the couch. Mabel. His sister. "In just one day, the two us are getting new family all at once! That's cool, right?"

"Yeah, super cool. You mind scooting over?"

"Okay." Mabel did as her brother asked and moved a little away from him.

"Little more. Little more. Aaaaand perfect." Mabel was now sitting right into the armrest, barely within arm's length of Dipper.

"It is?" Mabel asked, tilting her head in confusion.

"Alright, talk to you later." Stan hung up his phone and turned to the kids as he put it away. "That was your parents. They're mad that you just ran off like that, Mabel, but they're happy you got here, alright."

"At least we know they're responsible. Coupled with the fact that they _exist_ , that's _two_ things I know about them," Dipper said, his words laced with venom. "Stan, is all of this really true? Is she really… do I really…"

"It's… It's all true, kid. You and Mabel are brother and sister. Twins, actually."

"Twins…" Dipper let the word sit around for a while, as if he was tasting some odd foreign food for the first time and needed to get a feel for taste and texture before deciding to swallow it.

"Grunkle Stan," Mabel started, "I'm really happy to be meeting you and Dipper, really, really happy, but why were we separated, in the first place?"

"It's… complicated." Stan couldn't even look at the kids when he said that. "When you two were born, some stuff happened that's too dangerous to even talk about, and your parents, Shermie, and I all decided that you'd be safest if you were raised apart. I took Dipper with me to Gravity Falls, mainly because Shermie's too old to raise a kid, and your parents held onto Mabel down in Piedmont."

"And you weren't even going to _tell us_?" Dipper asked in anger.

"It's not like that!" Stan reflexively put up his hands in defense. "We were all gonna tell you two about each other when you turned 18, the standard age for telling kids dark and terrible secrets about their lives! Even with everything that happened, the four of us agreed to tell you by then!"

"Right…" Dipper hardly seemed convinced. Not having anything else to say on the matter, Stan turned his attention to Mabel.

"How did you even find out about this, Mabel?"

"Well, it's a funny story, actually…" Mabel started to say. "No, wait, it's not really funny, or long, for that matter. Kind of just a regular story."

"Feel like telling it?" Dipper asked.

"Right, sorry. It all happened a week ago, right after the school year ended. I was up in the attic looking for my 'School's Out for Summer, Yippee!' Mixtape to play on loop for three hours. Trust me, the songs on there are worth it. Anyway, while I was looking for it, I found a box that had 'KEEP OUT', 'PRIVATE', 'CONFIDENTIAL', and all sorts of other words like that written on it, so of course I opened it up to see what was inside! And I couldn't believe what I saw:" Mabel's eyes started to widen, it even looking like there were sparkles in them "pictures of me as a baby next to another little baby, and a birth certificate saying it was my brother!

"I kept looking through the box to see what else there was. Most of it was just more pictures of us, but then I found postcards from Gravity Falls, Oregon written by someone named 'Stanford Pines', and they all talked about Dipper, so that had to mean my brother was living there with my long-lost uncle, or something. I knew that I just _had_ to meet the two of you, so as soon as I had enough money, I took the first bus up here and, well, here I am. Yaaay!"

"Well, you can go, now," Dipper stated matter of factly.

"Huh?"

"You said that you wanted to meet us, right? Mission accomplished, so go home, Mabel."

"I kinda wanted to do more than _that_. I wanna spend the summer here and get to know you guys!"

"You're alone on that!"

"!" Mabel's face contorted into one of shock. "You… You really want me to leave?"

"Obviously. Now, you said you spent all your money coming up here, right? I'll give you what you need to go home. Keyword: _give_. Don't want you coming back with the excuse of having to pay off your loan."

"Hold it, Dipper!" Stan interjected before Dipper could say anything else that was rude. "If you don't want her to stay here, then fine, but I didn't raise you to be the kind of knucklehead who just _gives_ people money. And Mabel! Your parents raised you to just accept handouts, did they?"

"No, but if I can't… if I can't stay here, then how do I go home?" Mabel asked.

"Easy. You'll work here in the Shack."

"What?"

"What," Dipper stated.

"In the real world, you gotta work to earn your keep, so that's what you're doing, Mabel. Now the bus back home is around a hundred dollars, so…" Stan started moving his fingers through the air, as if he was doing some calculations. "Subtract food and room and board… yeah, one week of minimum wage should be enough for a bus ticket back to Piedmont. You'll work here for a week, get paid, and then you go home."

"Aww…" Mabel moaned.

"Of course, if, during that week, you manage to convince certain people that it'd be a good idea for you to stay longer than that…" Stan put his eyepatch back on and turned towards Mabel, "then I couldn't really do anything about that, right? ...I'm winking under my eyepatch."

"Works for me!"

* * *

"And this is where you'll be staying." After cementing Mabel's living arrangements and the terms surrounding them, Stan brought Mabel upstairs to where she would be sleeping for the next week: the attic (Dipper made a point of not wanting to join them). The attic was very spacious, despite several boxes of junk littering the area. Dust and cobwebs clung to the rafters with a natural magnetism, and in the center of the room was a small bed illuminated by the light flowing through the triangular window.

"Look, a goat!" There was also, as Mabel pointed out, a goat standing on the bed who was chewing on the mattress.

"Hey! Get outta here, Gompers!" At the sound of Stan's yelling, the goat, apparently named Gompers, ran out of the attic with a bleat. "Sorry about making you stay in here, Mabel. There aren't any other rooms in the house, so…"

"This is fine, Grunkle Stan. I love how splintery the floorboards look!"

"Heh. As long as you're happy, I guess. Well, do a little unpacking, then come down to the gift shop and start working. I'll help get rid of some of this junk after we close up shop." Mabel nodded her head in agreement and Stan took that as an OK to leave. Once Mabel was alone, she put her luggage down on the floor, jumped on the bed, and started kicking her feet around and giggling.

"I have a grunkle! I have a brother! Eeeee! This is so great! Everything is great!"

* * *

"This is so terrible. Everything is terrible," Dipper, dressed back in his Kid Mystery outfit, sighed against the wall of the gift shop.

"You alright, Dipper? You're not usually this grumpy in the morning." This came from red-haired teenage girl behind the counter wearing a trapper hat and green flannel shirt.

"Something very… annoying happened before you came in, Wendy. Very, _very_ annoying."

"On a scale of one to ten-"

"27."

"Whoa. What happened?"

"You'll see soon enough."

"HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO!" The sudden shout of a new voice stopped Wendy from asking another question. Wendy didn't know who it was, but Dipper did, dampening his mood further. It dampened even further when the owner of the voice stepped into the gift shop.

"Uhhhhh…" Wendy was at a loss for words at the sight of Mabel. Before anything else could be said, the door opened, and a large man wearing a cap and a shirt with a question mark on it walked inside.

"Morning Dipper. Morning Wendy. Morning Girl Dipper," the man said, walking past the three of them… only to immediately step back into the room. "Something weird's going on here. Dipper, you standing in front of a trick mirror, or something?"

"I wish, Soos," Dipper said with a sigh.

"My name's Mabel Pines, and I'm Dipper's long-lost twin sister!" Mabel, paying no mind to Dipper's mood, exclaimed with a grin.

"Twin sister?" Wendy parroted, her eyes going wide like dinner plates.

"Oh my God, dudes! There's… There's two of them, now!" Soos could barely contain his excitement. "This is great! My name's Soos, Mabel! Give me a hug!"

"Finally!" Mabel happily ran into Soos' arms and hugged him. "You're so squishy; I love that!"

"I know, right?"

"Soos, Wendy, don't get used to her; she'll be gone in a week," Dipper said, wasting no time to cut into Mabel and Soos' moment.

"She is?"

"That's undecided, right now," Mabel said, letting go of Soos. "One week is just how long I have to get certain grumpy gusses to change their minds about wanting to hang out with me."

"Good luck with that." Having said his piece, Dipper left the gift shop.

"Did you hear that? I have a chance!"

"I think that was sarcasm, dude," Soos told Mabel.

"Aww, really?"

"Look, Mabel, was it? I'm Wendy, by the way, let me give you some advice," Wendy started to say. "Soos and I have known Dipper for years, so we know that family is a _very_ touchy subject for him. You seem like the kind of person who's hyperactive and super in your face, and that's not a bad thing, but if you're not careful, you'll just push him away."

"So what should I do?"

"Just take it easy. Try to make him open up with small talk, then take it from there."

"Small talk, eh? That's just crazy enough to work!" With that, Mabel took off after her brother.

"You think Dipper will open up to her, Wendy?" Soos asked.

"Sure hope so."

* * *

"And that, my friends, is how this Horn of Sealing was used to prematurely end the devastation of Ragnarok. And if you want it to maintain its power, $20 should be _more_ than enough!"

"Makes sense to me!" Ripping off gullible morons with cheap junk. Even with what just happened a little under two hours ago, Dipper was able to return to his usual _M.O._ He was thankful for that, and it allowed him to relax for a little.

"Yay! Bravo! Woohoo!" That seemed to be over, rather fast.

"...Thank you, everyone." "Everyone" referring to the people in the crowd besides Mabel.

"You're _welcome_! No, wait! Gotta tone it down a little, Mabel! Don't scare him off!"

 _Too late_ , Dipper thought to himself.

"Haaah… So that was pretty cool, Dipper. Speaking of cool, sure is a cool summer you have up here. Good thing I brought this sweater and a ton of other ones and a ton of yarn to make new ones. Is it always like this in Oregon, or is this year just special?"

"...And we're walking, and we're walking. Come on, people, I know your legs work." Ignoring Mabel's attempt at small talk, Dipper led the tour group away from her to another area of the museum.

"Okay, talk to you later, Dipper. Hahahaha… haha…" Dipper and the tour group were gone. "No need to worry, Mabel. When you think about it, we _are_ supposed to be working, right now. I should just wait when we're all done and neither of us are busy!"

* * *

Several hours later, the Mystery Shack was closed for the day, Wendy and Soos had gone home, and only the Pines were still in the building. Since it was getting late, the three of them quickly decided to have dinner, giving Mabel another opportunity to strike up a conversation with Dipper.

"I'm eating in my room." Or not.

"Your room? You never eat in there, Dipper," Stan said.

"Things change, even if we don't want them to change," Dipper said, picking up his plate of food and leaving the table.

"Right…"

 _Okay, so waiting for us to be done with work didn't go any better. That means any time is fair game!_ Mabel thought to herself. _Just gotta keep trying, Mabel! Just gotta keep trying!_

* * *

"So Dipper, outside of Wendy and Soos, you got any friends in town? I bet if they're _your_ friends, they must be pretty cool, so-"

* * *

"Did you know that I can burp the alphabet, Dipper? People always tell me how cool it is to see that. Here, let me-"

* * *

"If you could go to anywhere in the world-"

* * *

"What's your favorite col-"

* * *

"Toast-"

* * *

"Uggggghhhhh…" It had been six days since Mabel came to Gravity Falls, and Dipper still hadn't had a real conversation with her, which was why the girl was lying on the gift shop floor with a frown, the Mystery Shack's older employees all looking over her.

"Hey, Mabel, you _did_ get what I was saying, right?" Stan asked. "How you should use this week to get Dipper to like you so you can spend the summer getting to know each other?"

"I _got_ that, I'm just doing a terrible job of it. Grunkle Stan, you won't really make me go home if I can't get Dipper to like me, will you?"

"Well..."

"You will?"

"Look kid, I get where you're coming from. I think it'd be great for you to stay here so we could get to know each other, I do! But Dipper's hardly said a word to me since you showed up, and I can't have the kid hating me, so…"

"What am I supposed to do, though? I keep trying to make small talk, but Dipper just keeps ignoring me!"

"Well, if small talk isn't working, you should go for broke and talk about his hobbies, or something," Wendy said.

"! Great idea, Wendy! ...What are Dipper's hobbies?"

"Science."

"Ugh!"

"Cons," Stan said.

"I don't have a poker face; I barely even like the song!"

"Dude's also into DD&D," Soos added.

"You mean 'Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons'? Just saying the _name_ gives me a headache! Is he really only into a bunch of stuff I could never learn about in one day?" Mabel then started to hit herself in the face, repeatedly. "Why didn't I ask about his hobbies, earlier?! Stupid hindsight! Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

"Oh, wait!" Wendy suddenly said, an idea seemingly popping into her head. "Dipper's also really into the supernatural!"

"? Supernatural?"

"Hey, that's right," Soos said. "Dude loves reading about aliens and vampires and gnomes and stuff. One time, he helped me try to prove that the mailman was a werewolf. Turns out he was just a hairy guy, but we still had fun."

"So… I can get Dipper to talk to me if I talk about the stuff in the Shack?"

"Doubt it, kid thinks this stuff is 'cheesy' and 'lame', which it is, but he says it with such an attitude," Stan said. "So if you want to get anywhere, go to the library, read up on… I don't know, the mating habits of wood elves, or something, talk shop about that for an hour, and boom! You're best friends!"

"That's a great idea, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel got up off the floor and turned to the door. "I've never said this and been happy about it, but I'm going to the library!"

"Hold it!" Stan put his arm out in front of Mabel before she could get moving.. "You can do that when you're off the clock. Right now, I need you to hang up some signs in the woods."

"What?! Why me?!"

"Dipper and I got a tour group coming in a few minutes, Soos has to fix the heater, and if I told Wendy to do it, it wouldn't get done for three days."

"He's not wrong," Wendy said. Mabel simply sighed and went to do her job.

* * *

"Can't help but feel that I was given conflicting advice, Gompers," Mabel said to the goat whom she came across in the woods. "First Grunkle Stan and everyone gives me great advice on how to impress Dipper, then they just give me a bunch of work that had nothing to do with that?"

"Baaaaaa!"

"Yeah, I'm probably just overthinking things. I can just go the library when I'm done."

"Baaaaaa!"

"If I'm lucky, Gompers!" The conversation apparently finished, Mabel went back to hanging up the signs, each one nothing more than a piece of plywood cut into the shape of an arrow talking about how amazing the Mystery Shack was (it was definitely Stan who made them). Mabel only paid a little attention to what she was doing, her thoughts focused mainly on finding something good to talk to Dipper about.

Then one of the trees made a clanging sound.

"?" Puzzled, Mabel knocked on the tree with her knuckles. The same sound reverberated through the air. "Is this even a tree?" It couldn't be. Trees, as far as Mabel knew, weren't made of metal, yet every part of the tree she put her hands on felt nothing like wood. While Mabel felt up the tree, her fingers came upon a section that felt empty, like she could put her fingers into it.

"There better not be a giant spider inside of here…" Her sole concern voiced, Mabel put her fingers inside the gap and pulled, causing an entire section of the tree to open up. While there wasn't a giant spider inside (Mabel breathed a sigh of relief), there was some sort of electronic device with two switches on it. Curiosity still piqued, Mabel flipped one of the switches to see what would happen. Nothing. She flipped the other one to see what would happen, and she suddenly heard the sound of heavy movement from behind her, along with Gompers running away. Turning around, Mabel saw what appeared to be a square hole cut right into the ground.

"...Alright, if there's a giant spider in _there_ , I'm going to be _really_ mad." Curiosity even more piqued than before, Mabel walked over to the hole to inspect its contents, if any. There wasn't a giant spider, or anything similar to one, all that was in there was an old, dusty book with a monocle attached to it.

"What's _this_ doing out here?" Mabel picked up the book and dusted it off, revealing the cover to have a gold, six-fingered hand on it with the number "3" in the center. Was this the third in a series? Mabel asked herself. Putting that thought aside, Mabel opened up the book and started reading.

"'It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon. In all my travels, never have I observed so many curious things! Gravity Falls is indeed a geographical oddity.

"'MY CONTINUED MISSION:

1\. Investigate the Oddities of Gravity Falls

2\. Discover GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF WEIRDNESS

3\. Publish Theory and join the works of Newton, Tesla, Einstein in the path(?) of science!'

"What _is_ this?" Mabel started flipping through the pages of the book. Each time she stopped to read, she came across something odder than the last. Flying eyeballs, ghosts with various categories, squash with human faces and emotions, all of it being cited as existing right there in Gravity Falls. Eventually, Mabel came to a single conclusion: Gravity Falls was a town of unparalleled weirdness, and this book was one of three created to catalogue all of it.

"This is incredible!" Mabel was apparently amused by this. "Forget the library, this book is exactly what I need! Once Dipper sees that I found a mystery book of super weirdness, he'll want to talk to me, for sure!"

* * *

" _I will protect my father and the honor of the Jackson family!"_

" _I reject my humanity, JaJa!"_

"So what'd you guys think of the trailer for _JaJa's Kooky Quest_?" Soos asked Dipper and Wendy as he closed the video and put his phone away.

"I don't know, Soos…" Dipper started. "It looks _kinda_ cool, but the animation and art seems a little weird. And why's everyone so muscular and campy?"

"That's just the style of the story. You read the manga, Wendy, so you know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah, and I'm mainly concerned about the inevitable censorship," Wendy said. " _JaJa_ can get really violent, so you _know_ that a lot of that will be censored. If we're not lucky, we could be looking at another _Osaka Goblin_."

"There were tons of things wrong with _Osaka Goblin_ that had nothing to do with the censorship, though," Dipper said.

"Pretty easy to say that when you've never read the manga."

"I will, I will! At some point."

"Dude, you always _say_ you'll read the manga, but you never do," Soos said.

"I'll get to it! Just let me-"

"HEYO!" Mabel kicking the gift shop's door open abruptly ended the conversation.

""Hey, Mabel,"" Soos and Wendy happily greeted the girl.

"..." Dipper just glared at her, barely noticing the book she had under her arm.

"Dipperdipperdipperdipperdipperdipperdipper Dipper!" It didn't take long for Mabel to be right in his face.

"...I'm going to my room for a while." Dipper turned away from Mabel and walked through the "Employees Only" door into the living, Mabel (unfortunately) right behind him.

"Wait, Dipper! I found something _amazing_! You gotta check it out!"

"Not interested." The boy didn't even turn around to look at her.

"I know you will be! This'll blow your mind! You'll be like, 'Whoa, Mabel, that's awesome!'"

"No, I won't."

"And I'll be like, 'I told you! I told you you'd want me around!'"

"No, you won't."

"Okay, so here it is, Dipper!"

 _Shut up, shut up, shut up…_

"I was out in the forest hanging up signs when I found this metal tree, but trees aren't made of metal!"

 _Shut up. Shut up. Shut up._

"Then I found a door on the tree that had this weird little box behind it with a switches. When I flipped one, the ground behind me went _whoosh_!"

 _Shut_ _up! Shut up! Shut up!_

"I looked behind me to find a big hole in the ground, and at the bottom was none other than a super cool and awesome book that talks all about-"

"Will you just shut the hell up, already?!" Dipper shouted, turning around to face Mabel, directly.

"Wha-"

"Just stop talking to me! I don't want to hear another word out of your stupid mouth!"

"But I just-"

"Agh! Why won't you just listen?! Why can't you take a hint?! Get away from me! I don't want you in my life!"

"! …" That was enough. Even someone like Mabel knew when she wasn't wanted. Not wanting to get hurt any further, Mabel turned away from Dipper and ran away from him. With Mabel gone, Dipper was able to take notice of Wendy and Soos' shocked expressions.

"...What?! Don't look at me like that!" Dipper walked away from the two of them, not even waiting to hear anything out of them.

* * *

"Aaa… aaa… aaa…" Mabel was back in her room, on her bed, all alone. Now was the right time to cry. "Aaaaaaaa…

"Stupid Dipper… Stupid Dipper! I just… I just wanted to get to know him a little, and he… Fine! If Dipper… if he doesn't want me around, then I'll just leave! I'll just go home and we'll never see each other, again! Stupid Dipper…" In the midst of her sobbing, Mabel took another look at the book. The book that was supposed to build a brother-sister relationship. The book that did nothing. The book that only helped to make things worse.

"Stupid book!" Mabel, in her anger, threw the book onto the floor. When that happened, it opened up to a random page.

"'Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed, I'm being watched.

I must hide this book before He finds it.

Remember- in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust.

TRUST NO ONE!'

Yeah, ain't _that_ the truth."

* * *

Day Seven, Mabel's last day in Gravity Falls. At this point, she was more than happy to leave.

"So… pretty major stuff between you and your brother, yesterday," Wendy said to Mabel, the younger girl resting her head on the counter in sadness. "Want to talk about it?"

"No. I just want to go home…" Mabel said, not even turning towards Wendy. "This was a mistake, and I just want to forget about it…"

"Oh… Well, sorry about… all of that, and, um… hey, check out that guy!"

"?" Mabel looked in the direction Wendy was pointing in and saw the guy she was talking about. He had pale skin, wore a dirty black hoodie, and looked like he was bleeding from his cheek. Still a pretty handsome boy, though.

"That guy's been looking at you all morning. I think he likes you."

"So?"

"So if you're leaving after today, you might as well have a good time while you can. Maybe going on a date will cheer you up, a little."

"I don't know. Sure, he's good looking, but I don't think I'm in the mood to-"

"Hey." Mabel didn't have as much say in the matter, as the guy decided to walk up to the counter.

"Well, I think I have a thing to do over there, so…" Wendy left the counter and just walked in front of a wall, not moving an inch from there.

"Can I help you?" Mabel asked the guy.

"My name's… Normal… Man..." he said in a rough, disjointed voice.

"Do you mean Norman?"

"...Yes."

"What do you want, Norman?"

"I've, uh… seen you around here a lot, lately. You're really nice and… pretty! Do you want to... go out with me, today?"

 _Bet Wendy's having a laugh about this one._ "Listen, Norman, you're a nice, handsome guy, and on any other day, I'd say yes in a heartbeat, but I am in a _bad_ mood, right now, and I'm not really feeling up to going on a date. So if you don't mind, could you please… actually, hold that thought, I need to check something." Not waiting for Norman's response, Mabel left the counter and ran out of the gift shop.

* * *

After leaving the gift shop, Mabel immediately ran upstairs and grabbed the mystery book up off the floor. Maybe she was being paranoid, maybe she was just doing what Wendy said and trying to entertain herself before going back home, but something about that Norman guy seemed off. Almost… inhuman.

"Nope, nope, nope, nope, no-ah wait! Here it is!" Mabel, after flipping through page after page, finally found the one she was looking for.

"' **The Undead**

Creature #6

EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!

"'Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes, these creatures are often mistaken for teenagers. Beware Gravity Falls' nefarious zombies.'" Mabel quickly closed the book with a gasp.

"Oh My G-O-S-H! Norman's a zombie! Why couldn't he have been a vampire? I mean, zombie, oh no! I gotta go tell-"

" _Why can't you take a hint?! Get away from me! I don't want you in my life!"_

"...No. Screw Dipper. If he doesn't want anything to do with me, then I don't want anything to do with him! I'm gonna honeypot the heck outta Norman, beat him up, and when I go home, I'll make sure the last thing Dipper sees is me holding his severed head out the window! That'll show him! That'll show him like he's never been shown before!"

* * *

"I would love to go out with you, Norman," Mabel said after returning to the gift shop. "Just wait outside for me while I get ready, okay?"

"Cool…" Norman then proceeded to exit the Mystery Shack… after walking into the wall several times.

"Nice one, Mabel! You go, girl!" Wendy said, playfully punching Mabel's arm.

"Yeah, I go, girl. I go, girl, indeed…"

* * *

Five minutes later, Mabel had nearly everything she needed to complete her Zombie Honeypot™. Meow Wow! glitter sweater: check. Star earrings: check. Mystery monster book of mystery: check. All Mabel needed now was a weapon of some sort to combat the zombie, and if anyone could help her with that, it would be her shady con artist of an uncle.

"Grunkle Stan, where do you keep the knives with the most cutting power?" Mabel asked as he argued with a tour group outside.

"Secret compartment behind the register," Stan replied, barely giving thought to what he said.

"Thank you!" Mabel skipped away to retrieve her weapon while Stan went back to what he was doing.

"For the hundredth time, it's not a face! It's a rock that _looks_ like a face!"

* * *

This was stupid. There was no reason for him to be upset. He didn't do anything wrong and was completely justified in what he said. So why, then, was Dipper feeling so bad? Maybe, Dipper thought, he was too hard on Mabel?

"No, no I wasn't!" Dipper shouted, slamming his fist into the living room table. "She shouldn't have even come here! I was just saying what she should already know! What's wrong with that?! Nothing, that's what! Nothing!"

"You done with your little soliloquy, kid?" Dipper turned his head to see that Stan had entered the room.

"What do you want, Stan?"

"Just wanted to know if you've seen your sister. I might have told her something that could get one or both of us arrested."

"Don't know, don't care."

"...Listen, Dipper," Stan pulled up a chair and sat down, "I know you're still mad at me for lying to you your whole life, but you shouldn't just project those feelings onto Mabel."

"I'm not doing that!"

"Dipper…"

"...Fine, maybe I am, but not entirely! My life made perfect sense a week ago, but then _she_ just shows up out of nowhere and messes everything up! Why should I want her around?!"

"Because she's family, kid. Family's supposed to stick together, not separate and leave each other to die."

"Like you know anything about that. Like you know how it feels to be abandoned by your own family!"

"...I do, actually."

"?" This was unexpected. Stan was about to talk about his family, something Dipper had rarely ever seen.

"Remember how I told you that I became a businessman at eighteen instead of going to college?"

"Yeah, 'cause college is for suckers."

"And it is! ...It was in my day, anyway, so you should go to college, but anyway! I didn't exactly do that completely by choice. At the end of my senior year, I got into a huge fight with my old man. I did something really stupid, and even though it was an accident, he wasn't having any of it and kicked me out of the house and the family. You can imagine how angry I was at him. All I was thinking was 'If that jerk doesn't want anything to do with me, then I don't want anything to do with him!' I decided right there and then to live for myself, and I never went back to my old home… until his funeral, anyway.

"For twenty years, I barely ever thought about the guy, and when I did, I only ever thought about how much I hated him. As soon as I heard he died, I thought I'd be happy, do a little dance, but I just felt nothing. The whole flight to New Jersey, still nothing. Then, when I finally got there, and I saw his cold, lifeless body, I finally felt something."

"What did you feel?"

"First, I was sad that he was gone, that one hit me by surprise. Then, I was angry that he just went and died without apologizing for what he died. Finally… I was filled with regret. Regret for letting things get so bad, regret for not seeing him again until he died… and regret that it took one of us dying for me to realize how much I needed him…"

"Wow… Stan, I-" Stan just put a hand on Dipper's shoulder.

"Look, kid, hate me if you want, but don't hate Mabel for just trying to be your family. Take it from me, if you lose your family, by the time you want them back, it might be too late." On that note, Stan left the room with a somber look on his face, leaving Dipper alone to think about everything he just said.

"...Dammit…" Dipper kicked his chair as he stood up and left the room, not even sure where he was heading, not paying attention to where he was. That was the case before he stepped on something in the gift shop.

"Huh?" Looking down to the floor, Dipper saw that he stepping in some sort red liquid-type substance. "Wendy, did you drop another packet of fake blood?"

"Wasn't me," Wendy said. "I think it might have been Norman."

"Who's Norman?"

"A good-looking guy Mabel went on a date with. Looked like he was bleeding, or something."

"...Huh."

"What 'Huh.'?"

"Little weird, don't you think? Neither of us know a Norman, and the guy asks her out on the last day she'll be in town?"

"You're overthinking it, Dipper."

"Maybe…" Dipper knelt down to the floor and touched the substance with his finger. Then, much to Wendy's confusion, he put the finger in his mouth.

" _Jam…_ "

* * *

"So, here we are, in the woods… alone…" Mabel innocently walked around a patch of dirt in front of Norman, holding the book in one hand, clutching the knife with the other as she hid it behind her back.

"Yeah. I like the woods… Lots… of dirt."

 _Which you probably crawled out of._ "You said you've been watching me for the last week, right?"

"Yeah… I'm shy."

"That's cute. So since you've been keeping an eye on me, you probably know that this is my last day in town." Mabel started moving behind Norman, still keeping her back away from him.

"Yeah. How do you feel… about that?"

"It's fine. I mean, I _wanted_ to stay longer, but certain people don't want me around and won't even give me a chance, so who needs this place, right? Still, there are some people who I'm going to miss." Mabel was now right behind Norman. "You, included."

"R-Really?"

"Yeah. You're so nice and easy to talk to, Norman. I know that it was just one day, but it really was… _knife_ meeting you!" With little hesitation, Mabel launched herself at Norman, ready to cut off his head.

"Ah!" Norman, however, dodged Mabel's attack and kept his head on his shoulders. However, Mabel was able to follow up with another strike, piercing Norman's arm.

"Haha! I've got your arm! Now I'll just- wait, this doesn't feel like rotting flesh. This also doesn't feel like regular flesh, which is good, since I just realized I had no proof of you being a zombie, but what?" When Mabel pulled on the knife, Norman's entire arm came off, except it wasn't a real arm, it was a wooden stick attached to a fake hand.

"Well, I guess now's as good a time as any," Norman said, suddenly talking normally. Sighing, Norman took off his hoodie to expose what was lying underneath. It wasn't a shirt of any kind, or even his bare chest; rather, the removal of Norman's hoodie revealed the boy to actually be five incredibly short people standing on top of one another.

"Oh no! My date was actually a bunch of midgets standing on top of each other! It's just like that episode of _Familia Buddy_!"

"No no no, we're not midgets, we're gnomes!" The one on top said.

"Oh. That… probably makes more sense… in a way. Sorry for trying to cut you up, earlier."

"Don't worry about it, Mabel. You thought we were a zombie, and in this town, going with your gut when it comes to weirdness is a lifesaver. Oh, where are my manners? My name's Jeff, and this is Carson, Steve, Jason, and, um…" Jeff stopped when he got to the last gnome, who seemed to be very dopey-looking. "I'm sorry, what's your name, again?"

"Shmebulok," the odd-looking gnome said.

"Right. Shmebulok. So listen, Mabel, like I said, we've been watching you this week, so we know some things that are going on with you. Like, for example, how your long-lost brother screamed at you for just wanting to have a relationship with him."

"Oh… So you saw that…" Mabel managed to say.

"We sure did. What an asshole, right? That's why we brought you out here, Mabel; we want to help! You wanted to rub a zombie head in his face, but I bet a bunch of gnomes would be even better than that!"

"Really? You'll help me out?" For the first time that day, Mabel had a genuine smile on her face.

"Absolutely! You just gotta do us one small favor, first."

"Anything! Name it and I'll do it!"

"I like your spunk, kid! Alright, we'll help you put your brother in his place, and in exchange, you just have to marry us and become our queen!"

"It's a de- ...hold on, what?"

"I said you have to marry us!"

"...Did you suddenly decide to use the royale 'we'?" Mabel took a step back from the gnomes.

"Nope, still singular."

"So when you say 'us', you mean the five of you here."

"And the other 1,000 spread out across the woods! What do you say?"

"Um… well, Jeff… no."

"No? But why?" Jeff asked, looking surprisingly confused.

"I'm just a kid, and you're gnomes. Apparently 1,000 gnomes. That's just creepy on so many levels. How do you not get that?"

"Don't you want to rub some genuine supernatural stuff in your brother's face, though?"

"I do, but not like this! I'll just look for a real zombie, and if that goes nowhere, I'll probably just flip him off from the bus."

"Haah…" Jeff exhaled. "Well, it seems like you've made up your mind. In that case, we'll just have to go with Plan B."

"What's that?"

"The same as Plan A, except you don't get a say in the matter."

"What?!"

"Yeah, we're gonna kidnap you, now. Gnomes! Forward, mar-" Jeff never finished his sentence, though, as he was abruptly cut off by a golf cart slamming into him and the other gnomes, knocking all five into a tree. Mabel focused her attention on the golf cart to get a look at her savior, and her jaw nearly hit the ground.

"Dipper?!"

"Come with me if you want to stay single!" Dipper exclaimed, extending a hand out towards Mabel. With no hesitation, Mabel shot out her arm and-

" _Why can't you take a hint?! Get away from me! I don't want you in my life!"_

" _Remember- in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust._ _TRUST NO ONE!_

She immediately retracted her arm.

"Mabel, there's no time for this! We gotta go!"

"Why should I listen to you?! Not even a whole day ago, you told me to go to Hell! Why should I listen to you?!"

"R-Right… Listen-"

"DIPPER PINES!" Jeff's shout cut the twins' dialogue short. "How _dare_ you interfere with gnome business, again!"

"We've been over this, Jeff!" Dipper shouted back. "You can't kidnap random girls and force them to be your queen! And why is it always kids?! If you tried this on adults… no, it'd still be creepy and wrong, but in a slightly more tolerable way!"

"You know nothing of-hold on. Guys, mind bringing me up to eye level?" The other gnomes all stacked themselves under Jeff and carried him over to Dipper. "Thanks-you know nothing of gnome culture, Dipper Pines! I won't let you interfere with us, again! Prepare to feel my-"

"Left hook!" Dipper swung his fist right into Jeff's stomach, sending the gnome flying. He landed in a patch of dirt and started vomiting rainbows.

"Come on, Mabel!" Not waiting for an answer, Dipper forced Mabel onto the cart and took off.

* * *

"...So… it seemed like you and those gnomes knew each other," Mabel said after several minutes of silence. "Do you fight them a lot?"

"Gnomes, goblins, flying brains, the occasional radioactive squirrel, you name it," Dipper said. "Gravity Falls is filled to the brim with weird, insane stuff, and my friends and I have been fighting and studying it all for years."

"So you run a team of... monster hunters?"

"Well, I don't mean to brag, but yes. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah! So all the stuff in the Mystery Shack is real, then?"

"No, that stuff's all fake. Grunkle Stan doesn't see the point in putting real stuff on display when he can just get people's attention with random junk he makes, himself."

"Sounds like something he'd-wait, what am I doing? I'm still mad at you!"

"Mabel, now's not the time for this! We can talk about that later-"

"Oh, _now_ you want to talk to me? You've got a _lot_ of nerve! I have half a mind to give you those hand gestures I was saving for the bus!"

"Will you just-!" Suddenly, a loud stomping sounded through the air. "Oh no."

"What? What is that?" Mabel turned around to get a look at things, and her jaw dropped when she saw the source of the noise: a giant gnome that appeared to be made out of an incredible number of regular gnomes. "Oh… that's that."

"Give us our queen!" Jeff's voice sounded from high up.

"Go back to the shire, you jerks!"

"Wrong little person, Mabel!" Dipper shouted. The gnome giant swung its arm towards the cart, making several gnomes fly out onto the vehicle. They all crawled inside and jumped onto Mabel, but the kids quickly swatted them away. The gnomes then decided to change things up a little and throw a tree into their path.

""AAAAAAAAAAAH!"" Dipper narrowly avoided crashing into the tree with a sharp turn, but the cart still ended up crashing right by the Mystery Shack from the momentum.

"You okay, Mabel?" Dipper asked as the two of them crawled out of the overturned cart.

"Stop acting like you care about what happens to me!" Mabel shouted. "I'm trying to do what you want, aren't I? Isn't staying out of your life what you wanted me to do?!"

"Move!"

"Don't change the-"

"Move!" Dipper suddenly shoved Mabel aside and onto the ground. Mabel was about to say something in response, but she instantly lost her words when she saw the gnome giant grabbing Dipper with its giant gnome hand.

"Dipper! …!" Mabel put a hand over her mouth. She didn't want to shout that. She didn't want to care about him. She didn't have a reason to.

"Alright, alright. Meant to grab Mabel, but this works, too," Jeff said. "Mabel! Marry us or watch your brother die! I know you don't care about him, but he's still a person, so you probably don't want to watch him die, right?"

"Don't listen to him, Mabel! Just get out of here!"

" _Get away from me! I don't want you in my life!"_

" _TRUST NO ONE!_ "

"..." Silently, with barely any emotion, Mabel pulled the golf cart up off its side. She then got in the driver's seat, turned on the gas, and drove past Dipper and the gnomes.

"Jeff, she's getting away!" One of the gnomes said.

"I see that. We'll get her later, though," Jeff said. "For now, let's get rid of this guy, once and for-"

"...aaaaaaaaaa-"

"Hey, does anyone else hear that?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaa-"

"Sounds like something's coming at-OH MY GOD!"

"AAAAAAH!" Mabel's earlier action wasn't her running away, it was her preparing to save the day. After driving out of sight, Mabel immediately turned the cart around and drove into the gnome giant's legs at maximum speed, causing the lower portions to break apart.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Naturally, this caused the whole creation to fall apart.

"I could have lived without that happening," Jeff said as he worked his way out of the pile of gnomes on top of him. "Alright, gang, let's try that aga-!" Jeff was forced to stop himself short when he took notice of the present situation.

"I don't know why Mr. Stabbington is out here, but I'm not complaining." Namely Dipper holding Mabel's knife in front of his face. "Go back to the woods and stay away from Mabel, Jeff."

"Ha! You don't scare me, Dipper Pines! Like you'd _really_ have the guts to-" Dipper poked Jeff's nose with the knife, drawing a small amount of blood. "...We'll be scampering off, now." The gnomes then got on all fours and ran away from the Mystery Shack, a good number of them shouting intentions of vengeance (save the repeated shout of "Shmebulok") as they ran towards the horizon.

"That went better than I thought it would. Thanks for saving me, Mabel."

"Don't mention it. _One of us_ has to be the good twin," Mabel said as she exited the cart.

"Right… So… why did you go with those guys, anyway? Was their human disguise really that handsome?"

"He wasn't bad, but I thought it was a zombie, and I was gonna cut off his head and rub it in your face."

"Well that explains why Mr. Stabbington is out here. Why did you think it was a zombie, though?"

"Well, he matched the description of zombies in the book to a 'T', so it made sense, to me."

"? What book?"

"The book I was _trying_ to tell you about yesterday before you exploded at me!" With an audible huff, Mabel pulled the book out of the cart and brought it over to Dipper. "I found it in the woods, yesterday, and-"

"OH MY GOD!" Dipper suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs, startling Mabel. "You-You-You-You You found one! You found a Journal!"

"Wait, you know about-Hey!" Dipper ripped the Journal out of Mabel's hands, eyes wide and mouth agape as he flipped through the pages.

"I've heard about this from the older monsters in town! How back in the '70s, a six-fingered scientist came to Gravity Falls to study all of its weirdness, and he recorded his findings in three Journals, just like this one! Oh man, oh man! This whole time, I've just been going in blind, barely making progress, but with this, I can finally get somewhere!"

"...Yeah, might as well make that a parting gift to you."

"'Parting gift'?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow, remember? You seem like you'd get more use out of that thing than me, so you might as well keep it…"

"Oh… right… thanks…" Dipper put the Journal in his jacket pocket and looked down at the ground, his expression unreadable.

* * *

After putting the golf cart away and leaving a note that blamed the damage on rowdy teenagers, Mabel and Dipper went back inside the Mystery Shack.

"You two sure were gone for a while. Did Dipper have to rough up your date for messing with his sister?" Wendy asked from the counter.

"..." The twins were both silent. Wendy just awkwardly went back to her magazine.

"Aaaaaaaaand it's five o'clock! Quittin' time!" The voice belonged to Stan, the man walking into the gift shop with Soos right behind him.

"Mr. Pines, do you really have to do this?"

"Not up to me, Soos. What's done is done."

"Aw, man…" The two men stopped when they got in front of the kids.

"Well, I've worked here a whole week, just like you said," Mabel said.

"Yep…" Stan reached into his pocket and pulled out a pile of bills. "I didn't write you a check, since you don't really need one for what you're doing."

"Makes sense. I'll go pack up my stuff…" With a melancholy expression, Mabel took the money from Stan and moved towards the living room.

"Wait, stop!" Only to find herself stopping when Dipper opened his mouth. "Stan, you can't just let Mabel go home!"

"And why's that, kid?" Stan asked.

"Because, she's… the best employee we've ever had, after Soos!"

"I'm not arguing with that, but it's still annoying to hear," Wendy said.

"Mabel's friendly with everyone, she came up with a new shelving method that involves colors and is surprisingly efficient, and her positive attitude makes people buy stuff, even when they don't want to! You can't get rid of someone like that!"

"Hmmm… so let me see if I understand you, Dipper. _You_ think it's a bad idea for Mabel to go home, and _you_ want her to stay here for the summer. Is that right?"

"..." Dipper took a look around the room to view everyone's expressions. Stan looked incredibly smug, Wendy looked like she was waiting for some kind of punchline, Soos looked like he was about to cry, and Mabel… Mabel just stared at him, looking unsure about how she should be feeling.

"Yes. I think it's a bad idea for Mabel to go home, and I want her to stay here for the summer."

"!" Now Mabel had an expression on her face: a smile.

"Well, that's that," Stan said, shrugging his shoulders. "Sorry, Mabel, but my hands are tied. Looks like you're stuck here for the whole summer."

"Well, if I have to be!" Mabel exclaimed, smiling even wider.

"Alright!" Soos suddenly grabbed Mabel and lifted her up with a bear hug. "This is great! You get to stay here, dude! I'm gonna do everything to make this your best summer, ever, just you wait!" Soos then went with more exclamations along those lines.

"That was really sweet of you, Dipper," Wendy said, patting the kid on the head.

"Yeah…"

* * *

Several hours later, after having what went from a goodbye dinner to a welcome dinner (the first meal Dipper actually attended with Mabel), Mabel was lying on her bed when someone started knocking on her door.

"Mabel, it's me. Can I come in?" It was Dipper. Dipper had never come to her room, before.

"Yeah, I'm decent enough," Mabel said (she was just in her over-sized night shirt). Dipper opened the door and walked inside.

"Hey…"

"Hey…"

"So… um… here." Dipper walked over to Mabel, took the Journal out of his jacket pocket, and put it out in front of Mabel.

"You're giving me this?"

"I'm giving you _back_ this. Finder's keepers, and all that."

"Wow… thanks." Mabel took her Journal back from Dipper with a smile.

"Look, Mabel… I'm sorry for being such a jerk to you, all week. I was mad at Stan for keeping this from me, and I projected those feelings onto you."

"I _thought_ you were doing that."

"But that's not it! I was also… I was also scared."

"Scared? You?" Mabel looked at her brother with confusion. "But just a few hours ago, you made an army of gnomes run away in fear as you held their leader captive at knifepoint!"

"Stuff like that is easy. Dealing with people, though? That's the real challenge. I got all the friends I have through luck, but when it comes to dealing with people on my own, I never know what to do and I panic."

 _I know how_ that _feels,_ Mabel thought to herself.

"And when the next new person I had to deal with ended up being my long-lost sister? I didn't know how to handle that, so I just… tried to _not_ handle it. Pretty terrible, right?"

"No, don't think like that. You're _not_ terrible for doing that.

"Look, Dipper, I know that I've been acting like meeting you and Grunkle Stan was some super cool adventure I was on, but I've been scared, too. I've spent my whole life thinking that my only family was my mom, my dad, and Grandpa Shermie, and then I find out I have a great-uncle! That I have a twin brother! But why didn't I know about this? Are they bad people? Are _my parents_ bad people? Do they not like us? Do _we_ not like _them_? I don't know! Anything could have happened when I came up here, and that was scaring the bejeezus out of me!"

"Then why'd you even come?"

"Because I didn't want to live my whole life scared of what I didn't know, wondering what could have happened if I just tuned out my brain for a bit and came here! Plus… I just _really_ wanted to see you."

"...This is going to be a weird, terrifying summer, even for living in Gravity Falls. But with you by my side, Mabel, I think I can get through it."

"You really mean that, Dipper? You… want me to be your friend?"

"What? Of course not." Mabel looked shocked. "I want you to be my sister." Then she started smiling again.

"May I?!" Mabel got off the bed and held her arms out towards Dipper, shaking them excitedly.

"Go ahead." Dipper copied her pose, though with less shaking.

"Hug me, brotha!" The twins then proceeded to embrace each other with a hug.

"Agh! Agh!" Which was slightly ruined by Mabel squeezing Dipper incredibly hard.

"Sorry, sorry!" Mabel quickly let go of her brother. "I'm a strong hugger. And high fiver. And thumb wrestler. I'm just really strong, I guess."

"No kidding. Well, um… see you tomorrow. I'm gonna ice my ribs for a while." Weakly smiling, Dipper exited the attic, Mabel waving at him all the while. After he was gone, Mabel brought the Journal over to her desk, grabbed a pen from a small jar, and opened up to a blank page.

"'It looks like I'll be staying in Gravity Falls for a while,'" Mabel wrote. "'I'm really happy that I get to spend time with my brother and my great-uncle, but at the same time, I'm scared of how I don't know what's going to happen. But like I told Dipper, you can't let fear control you. Though, with Dipper by my side, I don't really have anything to fear. Even though The Author said not to trust anyone in this town, I think the people I've met are definitely an exception.'"

* * *

While Mabel wrote in the Journal and Dipper tended to the bruising inflicted by Mabel's hug, Stan was in his office making a phone call.

"Yeah, looks like she's staying," Stan said into the phone. "Really didn't expect Dipper to have a change of heart. Guess he didn't inherit the Pines family's hard head. ...Mabel can't go back, now. She'd never forgive any of us! ...Have some faith in your uncle. I'm not gonna let that triangle lay a finger on them."

* * *

 **BRX VKRXOGQ'W KDYH OHW KHU VWDB KHUH, VWDQOHB**


	2. Of Gobbles and Grunkles

"Can we go to Build A Beaver, Dipper?"

"We don't need beavers, Mabel."

"What about that video game store?"

"Nothing good comes out for a few weeks."

"Oh! You have a Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree, here?! Can we go there?!"

"Mabel, we're here on important business! ...We'll go tomorrow."

"Yay!" It had been a little over a week since Mabel ran away from Piedmont, California to find her long-lost family in Gravity Falls, Oregon. The girl quickly became on good terms with her great-uncle Stanford, and after a lot of heartache, the discovery of a mysterious Journal, and battling an army of gnomes, she managed to begin a relationship with her brother. It wasn't the best relationship Mabel could have, what with Dipper still being hesitant to completely open up to Mabel, but after not knowing each other for twelve years, it was still pretty good. A definite sign of progress came about the night before when, suddenly, Dipper asked Mabel if she wanted to meet his friends, the ones who were on his monster hunter team. Mabel nearly choked on her sausage while forming a response.

It was for that reason that the two of them were at the Gravity Falls mall, the Gravity Malls. According to Dipper, Mabel needed to prepare herself a little more for meeting his friends. She didn't get it, but after everything it took for the two to be on speaking terms, she wasn't complaining.

"Alright, here's the place," Dipper said, the two of them having reached their destination.

"'Linda's Discount Clothing'. You were just taking us shopping? Why couldn't we go to 'Edgy on Purpose'?" Mabel asked as they walked inside.

"You can't afford stuff like that, Mabel. Besides, this place has plenty of cool stuff you can use for your outfit."

"What outfit?"

"Your monster hunter outfit. When you do something like this, you gotta have a look, Mabel."

"Well, I think I already have that covered, bro." Mabel flamboyantly gestured to her blue sweater with a picture a sunglasses-wearing leopard that had the words "Cool Cat" on it.

"No, you need something tough, like what I've got! Brown jacket, blue shorts, this is a badass look!"

"And a leopard with sunglasses _isn't_?"

"...I'm not even dignifying that with a response." Dipper then started rifling through a large bin of clothing. "There's lots of other things to choose from, Mabel. You can wear a jacket, or a tank top, or sweats. Really, anything that's not a fluffy sweater works."

"Look, Dipper, I know that we only _just_ started getting along, but when people think of Mabel, they think of her sweaters. The two things are a package deal. Got it?" Dipper wasn't facing Mabel, but he could just feel the glare Mabel was giving him.

"Fine, but at least add something to it… like this!" Dipper turned around to show Mabel his find: a denim vest that looked about her size. "You can wear it over your sweater if you want, and it has pockets big enough to hold the Journal!"

"Hmmm…" Mabel took the vest from Dipper and examined it closely, eyeing the design, feeling the texture. "This could work, I guess. You okay with me adding a little Mabel Magic to it?"

"Yeah, sure, you can bedazzle it, or whatever."

"Alright!"

* * *

In the end, Mabel didn't end up covering the vest in multicolored rhinestones. It seemed like a good idea, but if this was going to be her monster hunter uniform, then all the decorations could be a stealth hazard on a sunny day or in a well-illuminated cave. Instead, she decided to be simple about it and only added a colorful shooting star pin to the lapel. Her sweaters had enough style, anyway.

After taking care of Mabel's wardrobe, the two of them went back to the Mystery Shack to meet with Dipper's friends who, according to him, were already waiting for them inside.

"Okay, Mabel, ready to meet the team?" Dipper asked her as they stepped onto the porch.

"Super ready!" Mabel exclaimed, punctuating her claim with a thumbs up. "So what are your friends like, anyway? Must be some pretty tough guys, right?"

"Oh yeah, the toughest of the tough. They couldn't hang with me, if they weren't. When you're in my line of work, Mabel, you can't get anywhere without having the heart of a warrior, and these guys have all of that and then some!" Dipper opened the door and led the two of them inside, Mabel grinning in excitement at the prospect of meeting Dipper's super tough and manly crew.

"No Brad, no! Don't go back to Christina! She doesn't _deserve_ you!"

"Christina's changed, though! She's seen the error of her ways!"

"And that makes up for cheating on him with Kyle _and_ Nicole?!"

"No, but we have to put the past behind us if we want to move into the future!"

"This future is terrible!" Mabel kept grinning, but now it was out of amusement rather than excitement. When the two of them walked into the living room, instead of seeing the wide assortment of tough-looking men Dipper implied made up his team, Mabel saw a bespectacled Asian girl wearing some sort of utility belt and a heavyset girl with a beauty mark with a voice deep enough that Mabel actually thought it _was_ a guy, at first. And the super tough activity they were engaged in? Watching a cheesy soap opera.

"I like your friends," Mabel said, half-teasing, half sincerely.

"Ugh! You guys!" Dipper shouted, taking the girls' attention away from the movie. "I told you both to make yourselves look as tough as possible for Mabel, and you're watching stuff like this?! This completely ruins the image I was going for!"

"Hey! We are plenty tough!" The Asian girl rebuttled. "Kiss her, Brad! Kiss her!"

"Don't do it, Brad!" The heavyset girl shouted.

"That's enough of this." Dipper grabbed the remote off the couch and turned off the TV, silencing the girls' protests with promises of letting them watch the rerun in a few hours.

"Mabel, these are my friends and co-monster hunters, Candy and Grenda," Dipper said, gesturing to the Asian girl and the heavyset girl, respectively.

"Um… hello," Mabel sheepishly greeted them.

"Wow, Dipper really _does_ have a twin sister!" Grenda exclaimed. Candy then walked over to Mabel and poked her nose.

"Their noses are even the same. That's great!" Candy cheered.

"Candy, don't be weird," Dipper said. Mabel didn't seem to mind, though. "Mabel, go show them the Journal while I get some things from the kitchen."

"O-Okay!" Mabel managed to say as Dipper left the living room. "So, um, yeah! Dipper probably told you about it, but a few days ago, I found this weird Journal in the woods that talks about all the supernatural stuff in Gravity Falls." Mabel reached into her vest pocket and pulled out the Journal, flipping through the pages for Candy and Grenda to see. Judging by their expressions, Mabel felt that they were enjoying it. "Look at this guy: the leprecorn! Ever meet one of these guys?"

"...We don't talk about the leprecorn," Candy said, suddenly having a look of grimace.

"Why-"

"We don't talk about it!" Grenda interjected.

"Okay…" Mabel closed the Journal and put it back in her vest pocket. _Not off to a good start, Mabel. Find something else to talk about, quick!_ "Um-"

"Alright, gang, listen up!" Dipper returned before Mabel could say anything else, carrying four cans of Pitt Cola and a newspaper; she wasn't sure if she was happy about that. "For years, we've been looking for The Author's Journals, and thanks to Mabel, we finally have one. With this, we'll be able to investigate Gravity Falls a lot more thoroughly." As Dipper spoke, he tossed each of the girls a can of soda, which Mabel fumbled with a little before securing it in her hands.

"So I can join your team, then?"

"I don't see why not." Mabel mentally high fived herself. This was exactly what she wanted; time together with her brother! Hanging out with Candy and Grenda wouldn't be too bad, either, Mabel thought. How were they reacting to Dipper's announcement? They were smiling, but Mabel couldn't tell if it was sincere, or not.

"So now, it's time to reveal both Mabel's initiation into the team and our first big adventure of the summer. Behold!" Dipper unfurled the newspaper and presented it to the girls.

"'Local Man Grows Wart that looks like James Earl Jones'?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, wrong page. Behold!" Dipper flipped to another page that showed a large, shadowy figure sticking out of a lake.

"'Gobblewonker Sighted for Fifth Time in Two Weeks'. What's a Gobblewonker?"

"A giant water monster that allegedly lives in the Lake Gravity Falls, basically Oregon's own personal Nessie. I've never heard about it until recently, so it seems like something worth looking into. Especially since I just found out that _Wacky News_ is having a contest looking for photos of monsters, and the winner gets $1,000! And I think we have a good chance, since the last winning picture was a Chinese takeout bag on a stick."

"But it was from that place on Third Street, and they are terrible," Candy said, matter of factly.

"Terrible lo mein doesn't make them a monster… in this sense, at least. Anyway, tomorrow, Soos is gonna take us out on the lake to look for the Gobblewonker. We're gonna find it, take its picture, win that contest, get moderately wealthy, and have people recognize our accomplishments, for once! How's that sound?"

"Let's do it!" Grenda shouted.

"To riches, adventure, and prestige!" The four of them opened their cans of soda and drank in unison, toasting their future endeavor.

* * *

The next morning, Mabel and Dipper had both gotten up early, eating pancakes in preparation for the day ahead of them.

"Dipper, do your friends like me?" Mabel asked, moving some syrup around with her fork.

"I don't know," Dipper said with a shrug. "I mean, you guys watched that soap opera together after our meeting. Does it take more than that for girls to become friends? I'm not really an expert on same-sex friendships."

"Me, neither. I _want_ to be their friend, though. They both seem really nice."

"Well, make today a success, and they'll definitely be your friends."

"Right…" Was that the deal, then? Get a picture of this Gobblewonker thing, or no team? No friendship with Candy and Grenda? That couldn't really be the case, could-

"Whoa, what's that?!" On the other side of the table, Dipper was fiddling around with a backpack, probably full of things for the outing. What caught Mabel's attention was something he put on the table: an object that looked like a gun with a three-pronged hook attached to the muzzle.

"This? It's my grappling hook. You like?"

"I love! Can I get one?!"

"Sorry, this was the last one available when Stan bought it. You can order a new one, but it'd probably take a few months to come in."

"Aww! ...Can I have that one?"

"No way!" Dipper grabbed the grappling hook and put it in his coat pocket. "This is my monster hunter weapon, Mabel! I can't just give it away!"

"But I want a weapon, too!"

"You have the Journal, Mabel. Knowledge is power, and all that."

"Knowledge is lame."

"I bet that's why you get all Cs and Ds."

"I got a B+ in gym, thank you very much!" Mabel exclaimed with a proud smile. It took all of one second for it to change into a look of confusion.

"Wait, seriously? I was just kidding around! You really do that bad?" Dipper couldn't keep himself from laughing at his sister's apparently poor grades.

"Shut up!" Mabel responded by flicking syrup onto his face.

"...I probably deserved that." Just then, footsteps sounded through the kitchen. It looked like Stan was finally up.

"Morning, kids!" Stan greeted them as soon as walked in, still dressed in his boxers and night shirt. Mabel said "Hello!" back to her great-uncle, while Dipper just frowned a little and gave a small wave. "So, you wanna know what day it is?"

"Wednesday?" Dipper asked.

"Feels like a Friday, though, doesn't it?" Mabel responded.

"You're both wrong. Well, it is Wednesday, but that's not the point of today. Today is Family Fun Day!" Stan exclaimed with a grin. Mabel and Dipper looked noticeably less amused.

"Another one? I don't really want to go back to jail, Grunkle Stan," Mabel said.

"Not our fault that you can't draw Ben Franklin to save your life," Dipper said. "But anyway, I think Mabel and I are gonna pass on this one."

"Aw, come on, kids. I just got my car fixed up, and I wanted to take you two out somewhere fun! We're supposed to be using this summer to bond, aren't we?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Alright, Grunkle Stan, you win. Family Fun Day is a go!" Mabel cut Dipper off before he could finish.

"Great! I'll go get my pants!" Stan shuffled out of the kitchen.

"Mabel! What was _that_?!" Dipper shouted when Stan was out of earshot.

"Well, he's not wrong; we _should_ be doing some bonding stuff," Mabel said. "We can just look for the Gobblewonker some other time. Your friends won't mind, right?"

"That's not the point! I don't want to do stuff with Stan!"

"Why not?"

"You should know why."

"...Wait, are you still mad about the whole 'Stan lied to you about your family for your whole life' thing?"

"..." Dipper just glared at Mabel.

"Right, stupid question."

" _Very_. I just… I _can't_ be around Stan, right now. Not until I figure out how I should be feeling, at least…"

"Should have known that. My bad…" _Stupid, stupid!_ "Look, when we get to wherever Stan is taking us, you sneak out to head to the lake, and I'll spend the day with him. How's that sound, Dipper?"

"Hmm… Yeah, I guess that could work."

* * *

As it turned out, though, the kids never had to put that plan into action, at least in its original form. After being blindfolded and thrown into the back of Stan's El Diablo for about ten minutes, Mabel and Dipper discovered that Stan had taken them to Lake Gravity Falls, the exact place they wanted to go to, to begin with.

"It's fishin' season!" Stan exclaimed as he shoved a hand-knit fishing hat on each of the kid's heads. "Just the three of us out on the water for hours, nothing to do but talk and fish. How's that sound?"

"Sounds… fun!" Mabel said, forcing a smile as Stan started taking fishing gear out of the trunk. Candy, Grenda, and Soos were probably waiting for Dipper and herself, so they needed to get away from Stan. The question, though, was how.

" _Mabel,"_ Dipper whispered, tapping her on the shoulder. " _Sit back and watch me do my thing."_

"?" Mabel kept silent as she watched Dipper walk over to Stan with noticeable swagger in his step.

"You know, Stan, it's actually a _huge_ coincidence that you brought Mabel and me to the lake," Dipper said. "As it turns out, we already made plans to hang out with Candy and Grenda today. And the place where we were gonna hang out. _The lake_."

"Is that right? Heh. Small world," Stan responded, still taking stuff out of the trunk.

"Microscopic, even. Anyway! I was wondering if it'd be okay if we put a pin in this fishing trip of ours so we could go hang out with Candy and Grenda. You _did_ say that we need to bond as a family, so if Mabel's going to be hanging out with me all summer, then she should be friends with my friends, _right_?"

"That's a good point. ...You know what, it's not like fishing season ends tomorrow. Mabel, go play with your friends!"

 _It worked!_ Dipper thought to himself as he watched Mabel pump her fist. _Sorry Stan, but it looks like the student has become the master!_ Feeling good about his successful manipulation, Dipper started to strut over to Mabel's side-

"Hold it, Dipper." -only for Stan to stop him. " _Mabel_ can go. You're already friends with them, you don't need to be better friends. Besides, I think we both know that we need to talk about what's been happening, and the sooner we do, the better."

"What?! But I didn't-don't you think… I'm not getting out of this, am I?" Stan shook his head. "Right. Just give me a second." With a downcast expression, Dipper ran over to Mabel and handed her his backpack. "Mabel, I wasn't able to get out of it, so you're going alone."

"What?!" Mabel shouted.

"It's okay. I already planned for this. In this bag are detailed instructions for what you all need to do. I'll just tough it out with Stan while you get that picture. You can handle that, right?"

"Can I get the grappling hook?"

"No."

"...Still yes, I guess."

* * *

 _Okay, Mabel, you can do this!_ Mabel thought to herself. _You might not have Dipper here with you, but you can still become friends with Candy and Grenda without his help. Just gotta find the Gobblewonker, impress them with your mad photography skills, and you've got yourself a couple of friends, girl!_ Soon enough, Soos' boat, the S.S. Cool Dude, was in sight, with Soos, Candy, and Grenda all sitting around it in the midst of miscellaneous chatter. _Play it cool, Mabel. Play it cool._

"Heyguyshow'sitgoing!" Mabel was far from being a cucumber.

"Oh, hey Hambone. Where's Dipper?" Soos asked after noticing Mabel.

"He got caught up in some great-uncle, great-nephew soul bonding stuff, so he couldn't make it."

""Aww!"" Candy and Grenda whined.

 _No, they're disappointed! Is that just because Dipper's not here, or is it because I'm here_ instead _of Dipper?_

"Don't worry, dudes. We can still have a good time without Dipper," Soos said. "Mabel's here, and she's tons of fun. Trust me."

"Okay," Candy said.

"Let's do this!" Grenda exclaimed.

 _Nice save, Soos!_ Mabel thought as she flashed the man a thumbs up.

 _Hope I'm not the lovable guy who dies first in these kinds of things,_ Soos thought as he flashed Mabel his own thumb. As soon as Mabel was on the deck, Soos walked over to the wheel, started the boat, and took off from the dock.

"So where are we going, anyway? We going to one of the islands or are we just gonna spread fish food around?"

"Hold on, I might have an answer." Mabel put Dipper's bag on the deck and opened. Immediately upon doing so, she found a note addressed to her, which had to be the instructions he talked about.

"'Mabel, if you're reading this, then I, and I alone, wasn't able to get away from Stan because he's a giant ass who has no respect for me and doesn't care about my feelings and-' it goes on like that for a while. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, here we go. 'Through my investigations into the Gobblewonker, I have concluded that the most likely place for the Gobblewonker to be at Scuttlebutt Island.' Take us there, Soos!"

"You got it, dude!"

"Oh, and there's more. 'Now for the chain of command. Mabel, you might think this isn't necessary, but after the Yeti attack of '09, we need stuff like this.'" Everyone except for Mabel nodded in unison. Must be an inside thing. "'Soos, you're in charge of steering the boat, as you're the only one who can legally do so. Candy is captain,-'"

"I did it!" Candy cheered.

"'Grenda is her first mate,-'"

"Alright!" Grenda shouted.

"'and Mabel, you get the prestigious honor of lookout duty.' What?! That's bogus! I don't want to be the lookout!"

"Yar, that sounds like mutiny, yar!" Candy said in a fake pirate accent. "Grenda, throw this scallywag overboard… yar!"

"No no, that's fine. No need for that."

"Belay that order, then, Grenda. ...Yar."

"Aye aye, Captain!" Grenda said with a salute. Everyone shared a laugh at this.

"'Finally,'" Mabel continued to read, "'the main contents of this bag: cameras. As any idiot knows, one of the biggest problems that happens with a monster hunt is always related to the recording device. As such, I have prepared seventeen disposable cameras for you all to use.'" Everyone took a camera or two out of the bag and started looking them over. "'You must not lose the cameras. I only had enough money for this many cameras, so if anything happens, we're screwed. I really can't stress this enough, DO NOT LOSE THE CAMERAS!'

"And that part's underlined like five times. So I think we should keep a handle on the cameras."

"Ah, dude!" There a was a flash by Soos, followed by the sound of something hitting the water. "Sorry, dudes."

"Don't worry, Soos, we've still got plenty of cameras! ...But just to be safe, let's all just sit quietly on the deck until we get to the island. That alright, Captain?"

"Yar!" Since Candy and Grenda immediately sat down, Mabel took that as a yes.

* * *

While Mabel and everyone else were off having their adventure, Dipper and Stan were out fishing over in the main part of the lake in Stan's crummy old fishing boat, the Stanowar.

"So… the fish sure ain't biting," Stan said to Dipper.

"I just saw Manly Dan punching a fish, so it's probably just us," Dipper stated coldly.

"Right…" Both of them knew that they weren't really out here to fish, that they were out here to talk about all the problems that surfaced when Mabel showed up on their doorstep. The problem there was that Dipper was in no mood to talk and Stan wasn't good at talking about emotional stuff, in general. Stan needed to find a way to break the ice with Dipper before he could get into anything deep.

"Hey Dipper, how 'bout I tell you one of my classic old man jokes?"

"..."

"Okay, here it goes. My ex-wife still misses me… but her aim is getting better!"

"..."

"Her aim is getting better! Y'see it's… it's funny because marriage is terrible."

"Right..." That wasn't good. Dipper always laughed at that one, no matter how bad a mood he was in. This was going to be even harder than he thought.

* * *

"Ahoy!" Mabel exclaimed. "Land spotted off the… um… the front of the boat!" Sure enough, right in front of them was a large island covered in thick fog.

"Scuttlebutt Island. We must prepare our butts for scuttling," Candy said, narrowing her eyes for dramatic effect.

"That sounds dirty," Grenda said.

"I know." With whatever was established being established, Soos docked the boat on the shore and the crew stepped onto the island.

 _Bag full of cameras: check. Journal: check. Lantern: check. Okay, Mabel, time to catch a Gobblewonker, get $250, join Dipper's team, and become best friends with everyone. Great plan!_ _Best plan! Grest plan! Now if I were a Gobblewonker, where would I be?_

"GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…" Just then, a loud roar sounded through the area.

"I would probably be over there," Mabel said aloud. It then sounded off again, as if to alert anyone who didn't hear it the first time.

"Onwards, me heartys!" Candy shouted, pointing in the direction of the roar. The four of them took off towards the roar, only ever stopping so Soos could make a "Butt Island" joke when they came across a sign for the island. After a few minutes of running, they arrived at another bank, and sitting in the water was a large figure masked in fog.

"Is that it?" Grenda asked.

"We'll have to get closer to see. Take _no_ prisoners," Candy said. Everyone took a camera out of Mabel's bag and cautiously stepped forward.

 _Almost there, Mabel, almost there… now!_ "ATTACK!" At Mabel's yell, the four of them started running forward, rapidly taking pictures of the thing in front of them. Mabel felt confident in what they were doing. They were definitely going to succeed, and everything was going to go well for Mabel.

Then they got close enough to really see what they were taking pictures of.

"Beavers?" As it turned out, what they thought was the Gobblewonker was actually a bunch of beavers hanging out (now hugging) atop a wrecked boat. "But… But the roaring-"

"GROOOOOOOO…" Turning her head, Mabel saw another beaver playing with a chainsaw, of all things.

"Cool, beaver with a chainsaw," Soos said, quickly putting the Gobblewonker out of his mind to take pictures of the beaver.

"Man…" Feeling dejected, Mabel sat down on the bank with a frown and threw her camera into the water.

"It's alright, Mabel," Candy said, attempting to comfort her. "The real Gobblewonker is probably just somewhere else."

"You don't know that. Dipper doesn't seem like the kind of guy who's wrong about stuff. If Dipper was wrong about it being here, then it might not even exist!"

"Well, maybe-"

"And if the Gobblewonker doesn't exist, then I'm gonna fail the initiation! If I fail the initiation, then I won't get to join the team! If I can't join the team, then I won't be able to hang out with you guys, and then everything will be terrible, all summer!"

"...Wait, you took him seriously, Mabel?"

"What do you mean?"

"Mabel, there's no initiation. Dipper was just messing around," Grenda said, causing the girl to raise an eyebrow at her. "Candy and I didn't have to do anything like that. If he said something like that, he was just pretending to be tough like he always does."

"So I've been worrying about this for nothing?"

"Yep. You're feelings of stress were unwarranted and utterly pointless," Candy said. Mabel wasn't sure how to respond to that one. "Trust us, Mabel. Dipper wants to spend time with you as much as you want to spend time with him. Whenever we've talked to him the last few days, he's had nothing but good things to say about you, after all."

"Really?" Quite a stark contrast to how they got along when Mabel first showed up. "What about you guys? Do _you_ want to hang out with me?"

"Of course! You're really nice and super fun-"

"And you got style!" Grenda cut in. "That sweater you had on yesterday, with the leopard wearing sunglasses? Awesome."

"That's what _I'm_ saying!" Her mood restored, Mabel stood up from the ground. "I guess I didn't have anything to worry about, at all!"

"Uh, dudes-"

"Not now, Soos. I don't need to try so hard to make friends. I just have to be myself, and-"

"Dudes-"

"Soos, please!" Mabel shouted, twisting her head around. "I'm _trying_ to give a heartwarming, late '80s to early '90s sitcom-esque speech about the lesson I learned! Why do you keep…" Suddenly, what Soos was doing made sense. When Mabel finally decided to turn around, she was treated to the sight of a large sea beast sticking its head out of the water and staring right at them.

"Oh… _That's_ why…"

* * *

"Alright, you know what? I can't do this, anymore!" Stan shouted, slamming his fishing rod onto the floor of the Stanowar. "Dipper, we need to talk about the elephant in the room. _Now_."

"Think I'm gonna pass on that one," Dipper said, not even turning to look at his great-uncle.

"We're talking _now_ , or you can't go on adventures with your friends, anymore!"

"..." That certainly got Dipper's attention. Sure, Dipper was rightly mad at Stan and barely even wanted to look at him, but there was no way he'd be willing to give up monster hunting for this. "Alright, fine. We'll talk, but that's it."

"Good. Now listen, Dipper, I know you're mad at me for what I did, and I don't blame you for it, but…"

"But what?"

"Don't you think you could just, I don't know… try to move past it?"

"Move… past it? Move past it?!" Dipper turned around so Stan could get a good look at how angry he was. "Are you serious?!"

"...Yes?" _Think I_ might _be saying the wrong stuff here._

"You expect me to just move past the fact that you've been lying to me my entire life?!"

"Not all at once, but-"

"For years, I kept asking you about my parents, day after day, but you _never_ gave me an answer! You always changed the subject to something else, and one day, I just started thinking that they were dead! Then Mabel shows up and tells me that I was wrong, and you _knew_ that, all along! And you won't even tell me why!"

"I told you, I can't. It's… It's too dangerous to tell you."

"You keep saying that, but why should I believe you? Because we're family? Up until a week ago, I didn't even know I needed more than one finger to count my family!" Dipper turned away from Stan, not wanting to look at his face anymore.

"...Dipper, I'm sorry I lied to you. I really can't say that enough, and nothing I do will ever make it right. If it was alright for me to tell you why I lied about your family, I would have done it, your parents would have done it with Mabel, no one would be in the dark about anything if we had our say. We're not the bad guys here, Dipper. I… We all love you and Mabel, and the last thing we'd want to do is go out of our way to hurt you."

"Why should I believe that, though? Even after you lied to me about something this important, why should I believe you?"

"Because I've done more than just lie to you. I've raised you, cared for you, given you a home… You can hate me if you want, Dipper, but please just think about all the good times we've had together, weigh them against the bad, and ask yourself if you really want me out of your life."

"If I really want you out of my life. If I really…" Dipper lost the rest of his sentence. What was he supposed to say? It'd be easy and logical for Dipper to just say "I want you out of my life!", or something else along those lines. If he just did that, then Stan would leave him alone, and that would be the end of it. But the words that seemed so easy in theory proved to be impossible to get out. It was so frustrating that it made him want to scream.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Like that, only out of his own mouth.

"Wasn't that Soos' boat? I thought he was helping Mabel and your friends find some monster." Half a second later, a giant monster sped past them.

"It's the Gobblewonker! Yes! I _knew_ it was real! ...And it's trying to kill them!"

"Hot belgian waffles! We gotta do something!" Everything Dipper and Stan were talking about could wait; their friends needed them. Stan turned the motor on and sped off in the Gobblewonker and S.S. Cool Dude's direction. It wasn't doing much good, though. The Stanowar wasn't built for speed, so there wasn't any way that it could catch up to them.

"I know what to do!" On its own, anyway.

* * *

After the Gobblewonker showed itself, Mabel and company did what any rational person would do when faced with a giant sea monster: run away. Unfortunately, the Gobblewonker apparently had the ability to move on dry land, so it was able to follow them in chase. They were able to safely make it back to the S.S. Cool Dude, but that just allowed it to chase them in its natural element of the water, giving it much greater mobility.

"So Candy, Grenda! Either of you want to do some monster hunting, soon?!" Mabel asked. "Now would be a good time for that!"

"I'm on it!" Grenda ran over to the barrels of fish food, picked one up, and tossed it at the Gobblewonker. Mabel's jaw dropped at the sight of such incredible strength, but Candy and Soos were notably less impressed when the barrel hit the monster and barely fazed it.

"Was that supposed to happen?"

"No! Usually when I hit things, they stop moving!" Grenda tossed another barrel at the Gobblewonker, only for the same anti-climax. "This doesn't usually happen!" Grenda grabbed a third barrel to throw, but stopped herself when a metal clanking sounded in the direction of the S.S. Cool Dude's stern. When the kids turned to look at it, they saw a three-pronged hook there with a rope sticking out from it that was continually receding as something else got closer.

"Bet you're glad I didn't give you my grappling hook _now_ , right?" A small fishing boat with two familiar faces sitting on board.

"Dipper!"

"Mr. Pines!" Soos called out from behind the wheel.

"Hope you guys didn't miss me _too_ much," Dipper said as he and climbed onto Soos' boat after fixing the grappling hook to stay inside the Stanowar. "Candy, you are hereby relieved of duty. Now attack the enemy there, there, there, there, and there." Dipper pointed to various spots on the Gobblewonker's body.

"Aye aye, Captain!" Candy said with a salute. Candy opened up a few of the pouches on her utility belt, revealing a slingshot and a multitude of forks and knives. With rapid speed, Candy drew five utensils and fired them at the spots Dipper pointed to: two on the neck, one on the forehead, and both eyes. The utensils bounced off the neck and forehead, but the ones fired at the eyes managed to hit their mark.

"Yeah! Hamesh avanim!" Stan cheered amidst everyone else's "Yay!"s and "Woohoo!"s.

"GROOOOOOOOOOOO!" The cheering quickly ceased when the Gobblewonker came inches away from biting the S.S. Cool Dude in two. Despite being blinded, it was still able to chase after them, most likely through the use of its other senses.

"Is this how these things usually go for you kids?!"

"Give me a break, Stan! I _just_ got here!" Dipper shouted.

"What do we do, Dipper?!" Mabel asked.

"I don't know! I need to think! We _all_ need to think!"

"Right. Think, think, think… wait. Think, think, think, knowledge, knowledge is power… ah! Brain boom! Or bang, or other such words, but yes! This!" A triumphant smile on her face, Mabel pulled the Journal out of her pocket and started flipping through the pages.

"Where'd you get _that_?" Stan asked, his eyes widening at the sight of the Journal.

"Metal tree in the woods, but that's not important. I think I saw something in here the other day that might-here it is!" Stopping at a page, Mabel quickly passed the Journal over to Dipper. "Will this work?"

"Hey, yeah! It could!" Dipper exclaimed. "Soos, head northeast from here, now!"

"On it, dude!" Soos spun the wheel and turned the ship, narrowly avoiding the Gobblewonker's jaws. Even if it wasn't bleeding profusely, the monster was still having trouble following Soos' boat, allowing for them to get a good distance away from it.

"That's good, Soos! Keep it steady, and… there it is! Stop!" After a minute of travel, Soos stopped the boat near an island with bubbles on the water surrounding it. "Everyone! Insult that island!"

"Yea-wait, what?" Stan was understandably dumbfounded.

"Hey, island! Your trees are old and provide only a very minimal amount of shade!"

"And your sand is, um… too sandy!" Soos shouted. "Am I doing this right? I've never made fun of an island."

"You're doing fine, buddy."

"No one would _ever_ colonize you! Not even Canada!" Candy spat. Grenda just threw another barrel of fish food onto the island.

"Yeah! You don't even have a volcano! You'll _never_ join a fancy archipelago like this!" Mabel shouted, spitting into the water. "You're a loser! A big, dumb, loser! All the things your parents said behind your back were true, dingus!"

 _What the hell is going on?!_ Stan shouted in his head. _They're all yelling at an island! Do they have lake madness, or something?!_ Stan was about to protest verbally before he noticed that the bubbles around the island were rapidly increasing in quantity, coupled with an increasing loud growling sound.

"It's working! It's working!" Dipper exclaimed.

"What's working, kid?! And whatever it is, could it work faster?! All that noise you were making let the Gobblewonker figure out where we are!" Indeed. As Stan spoke, the sea monster was closing in on the S.S. Cool Dude, apparently having figured out their location and managing to stay on a path towards them.

"Almost… Almost…" The Gobblewonker was dangerously close to them at this point.

"Soos, for crying out loud! Get this thing moving before we-"

Then the island rose out of the water.

"What the heck?!" It wasn't just the island, though. The island was literally just the tip of the metaphorical iceberg, as underneath it was what appeared to be a giant head with glowing eyes.

"!YNITSED RUOY RETNE !HTUOM YM RETNE !SRETNUH YRETSYM ,RONOH YM DETLUSNI EVAH UOY" the monster shouted as it flew down at them, mouth opened wide.

"Now, Soos! Hard left, hard left!" Doing as Dipper told him, Soos spun the wheel and made the boat turn sharply to the left, the suddenness sending everyone tumbling to the deck. Nevertheless, the quick maneuver allowed them to avoid the monster. The Gobblewonker, however, wasn't so lucky, and the monster ended up swallowing it whole.

"That was something else! Think I might have a heart attack!" Stan exclaimed. "What _was_ that?!"

"That was _this_!" Mabel held the Journal up above her head to a page with an illustration that bore resemblance to the creature that just ate the Gobblewonker.

"' **Island Head Beast**

Creature #202

Giant tooth

IS THERE A CREATURE BENEATH THE ISLAND?

ONE GIANT HEADACHE!'

"I figured the best way to take care of a giant lake monster would be _with_ a giant lake monster!"

"I told you knowledge was power," Dipper said with a smirk.

"Yeah, fine, you were right. And since I admitted that-"

"You can't have my grappling hook."

"Man!"

"Still, though, that was some pretty quick thinking. You really saved our butts, Mabel."

"Oh, stop," Mabel said, feeling flustered, a feeling immediately replaced with surprise when Grenda lifted her up onto her shoulders.

"Let's hear it for Mabel!" Grenda shouted.

"""Mabel! Mabel! Mabel! Mabel!-"""

"!GNIZITEPPA SI HCIHW FO REHTIEN !SNOITALER NOOCCAR DNA ENIHSNOOM FO SLLEMS EH !UOY HTIW NOINAPMOC YLREDLE RUOY EKAT DNA" The Island Head Beast suddenly shouted. When everyone turned to it, the monster appeared to have spat something at the boat as it descended back into the water. Whatever it spat was letting out a high-pitched scream and hit the deck with a thud.

"Well woudja lookit that! I'm alive!" The Island Beast had, apparently, spat a scrawny, bearded old man with a cast on his right arm wearing overalls and a hat. Said old man was currently in the midst of dancing.

"Why did the Island Head Beast spit out a dancing hillbilly?" Mabel asked as she climbed off of Grenda's shoulders.

"Well I'll be!" The old man stopped his dance when he caught sight of Mabel. "Don't reckon I've seen you 'round here, before. Old Man McGucket, local kook." He then proceeded to spit in his hand and extend it to Mabel. "Nice to meetcha!"

"Nice to… meetcha, too. Can I maybe shake the hand _not_ covered in spit?"

"You can, but it's probably just as bad, on accounta me being a bum who fraternizes with animals in the dump!"

"I'll just not touch you, then."

"Smart move!"

"So, anyone feel like explaining _why_ a giant head spat McGucket at us?" Stan asked.

"Maybe it's our reward for showing the head what we got," Soos said. Dipper's furrowed brow showcased disagreement.

"Wait a minute…" Dipper started, walking over to McGucket. "You smell like oil… fresh oil. ...Ah, man! I can't believe it!"

"Can't believe what?" Mabel asked.

"The Gobblewonker wasn't a real monster, it was just another one of McGucket's crazy inventions!" McGucket backed a little away from Dipper with a sad look on his face, confirming his guilt.

"That must be why Grenda and I barely fazed it: it was a robot!" Candy said with a gasp.

"Hold on, back up a bit. Dipper, did you say _another_?" Mabel asked in disbelief.

"I did. Every now and then, McGucket builds giant robots and goes on homicidal rampages all across town." Mabel raised an eyebrow at that. "I know it doesn't make sense considering who we're talking about, but it's true. So what was it _this_ time, McGucket?"

"Now hold on there, I wasn't tryin' to cause trouble; didn't even kill nobody with this guy," McGucket said, defensively. "I just wanted some attention from my son, is all."

"Ranger Tate?"

"Yessun. My son never wants me around anymore, so I made that there Gobblewonker to get his attention. In retrospect, building a giant robot and terrorizing the fishing community of the town mighta been a tad extreme, but I miss my boy! Hasn't looked at me the same ever since I lost my marbles and tore the family apart."

"Ever since you screwed up big and made him hate you…" Stan said with a dour expression.

"That's right! I didn't mean for that, though. I've tried apologisin' to 'im-"

"But he never takes it, and to this day, the two of you can't see eye to eye…" Dipper interjected, his face matching Stan's.

* * *

"Thankya for the lift, fellas!" McGucket said after Soos docked his boat. "Sorry about tryin' ta destroy you, earlier. Promise not to do it again for at least 'nother two weeks!"

"Wow... Thank you…" Mabel said as they all stepped off the boat. Discrete signals from Candy and Grenda told her that that was apparently a good deal.

"Well, it's gettin' late. Better get back to my raccoon wife!" Old Man McGucket then got on all fours, jumped off the boat, and ran away from the lake.

"What a weird man. Kinda sad, though, what with his son not wanting anything to do with him, and all." Mabel turned her head to Dipper and Stan, who were just standing next to each other, barely looking at one another.

"Man, that McGucket sure is a nutcase. Building a robot just to get his son to notice him; what a loon!" Stan said.

"I know! You'd have to have a pretty messed up relationship to do that…" Dipper said, trailing off.

"Yeah…"

"...Hey, Stan. How's… How's your ex-wife doing?"

"..." It took Stan a few seconds to register the question before he turned to Dipper with a smile. "Who, that old crone? Believe it or not, she still misses me. But her aim is getting better!" Dipper immediately erupted in laughter.

"I don't get it," Mabel said.

""It's funny because marriage is terrible!"" The two of them said in unison, accented with a high five. This brought a smile to everyone's face and tears to Soos' eyes, the man saying how happy he was that they were getting along through his sobs.

"Stan, I still don't forgive you for what you did, and I don't think I will," Dipper said to his great-uncle. "But you were right. You aren't trying to hurt me, and since I care about you, we should try to move past this. I'm willing to do that if you are."

"That's all I wanted to hear," Stan said, the two of them going into a hug.

"Just _please_ promise me that you won't lie to me about anymore big stuff like this, okay?"

"What, after all the crap we just went through? I'd have to be a complete moron to do that! Now go play with your friends!" Stan playfully rubbed Dipper's head and patted his back before the kid ran off with a smile.

"Somebody's _happy_ ~!" Mabel said with a smile.

"""I wonder who~!""" Candy, Grenda, and Soos added with their own smiles.

"Shut up, guys! It's still light out, so we can still find something to win that contest! Mabel, have you ever seen a capybara that can pole vault at an Olympic level and sounds like Paul Newman?"

"Nope!"

"You will have, after today! Let's go!" The five of them ran off, Dipper and Mabel quickly turning around to wave goodbye to Stan.

"See you two at home!" Stan said, waving back at them until they were out of sight. "...Yeah. A _complete_ moron…"

* * *

 **RQH OLH GRZQ, "A" PDQB OLHV WR JR.**


	3. Catch You On the Reverse Side

"And so the mummy had us wrapped up in his bandages, all geared up to squeeze the life out of us."

"Uh huh."

"Luckily I, being the smart guy that I am, remembered to hold onto that pair of scissors I found earlier."

"Uh huh."

"I was able to use them to cut us out of the bindings and finish him off for good!"

"Uh huh."

"Mabel, are you even listening?"

"Yeah. You're telling me the story of how a mummy at the museum came to life and you, Candy, and Grenda had to take it down before it destroyed downtown Gravity Falls. I can be bored and still pay attention, you know."

"Right..." Dipper just stared at Mabel across the couch in annoyance while she wore an exasperated expression.

"Okay, now that we're done with that, let's move on to a really important topic: finding Mabel's monster hunter weapon! Since a certain someone insists on unjustly monopolizing his super cool grappling hook-"

"Because he _owns_ it."

"-we need to come up with something just as cool. Would it be possible to get a flaming longsword, of some kind?"

"Yes, but I'm not going back to that wizard, Mabel. The guy almost turned me into an owl last time I saw him."

"Oh…" Mabel wasn't expecting Dipper to have an answer to that. "Can't we get _something_ for me, though? I'm the only one without a weapon, one you can hit people with, anyway. You've got the grappling hook, Candy has her slingshot and utensils, and Grenda has her inhuman strength. What's up with that, anyway?"

"I have no idea, but just be patient, Mabel. You'll find something, eventually."

"I want eventually to be now, though!" Mabel shouted, sinking back into the couch.

"What's eating you, kid?" Mabel turned her head to see that Stan had entered the living room.

"Just upset over my lack of a weapon. Can I borrow one of your guns until I find something permanent?"

"Hmm…" Stan hummed, rubbing his chin. "That _seems_ like a good idea, but I feel like your parents would take offense to me giving a small child a loaded gun, for some reason."

"As crazy as that sounds," Dipper said, dryly.

"I know! Oh, by the way, here's your book back, Mabel." Stan reached into his suit and pulled out Mabel's Journal, the girl immediately taking it out of his hands.

"Thanks, Grunkle Stan. What'd you need it for, anyway?"

"Just wanted to see if there was anything in there I could use for the Shack. Ended up wasting two hours of my life, though; all the stuff in there is silly nonsense that I'm already doing half of. And why's it just stop near the end? The guy writing it get as bored as I got reading it?" Stan chuckled at his own question while Mabel and Dipper just rolled their eyes, Dipper more so than Mabel. "Ah, well, let's all forget our troubles of the day with mind-numbing television."

"I'm always game for that!" While Stan sat down between the kids, Mabel grabbed the remote off the armrest and turned on the TV.

" _We'll be right back to_ Tiger Fist! _after these messages."_

"Yay!" The screen immediately cut to a flock of doves flying through the sky over a piano track. It easily caught Mabel's attention, but not so much that she didn't notice Dipper and Stan's suddenly angry expressions.

" _Are you completely miserable?"_ A voice said over a crying man.

" _Yes!"_ The man cried.

" _Then you need to meet Gideon. He's a psychic."_

"'Psychic'?" Mabel repeated with a raised eyebrow while the other two just groaned.

" _So don't waste your time with other so-called 'men of mystery'."_ The screen then cut to a slow-motion shot of Dipper and Stan gluing a pair of fake chicken wings onto a stuffed turkey. " _Learn about tomorrow tonight at Gideon's Tent of Telepathy. Gideon's expecting you."_

"Well there goes _my_ good mood," Dipper said.

"Same here," Stan added.

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you guys don't get along with this Gideon guy," Mabel said.

"We _hate_ him. That jerk's been a pain in our asses for years! Stealing our business, stealing our parking spaces, it never ends with that punk, Gideon!"

"He can't be _that_ bad. I'm surprised _you_ don't want anything to do with a psychic, Dipper."

"He's not a real psychic, Mabel," Dipper said with a groan. "He's just one of those TV psychics who uses cold reading to trick idiots into believing he's magic. In other words, he's a douche."

"I think I'd want to see that for myself."

"Over my dead body!" Stan shouted, standing up from the couch. "And since it's not 2016 yet, as long as you live under my roof, you're not going under his roof!"

"I concur!" Dipper added, also standing from the couch. The two then walked away in a huff, leaving Mabel alone.

"Man, this stinks. I kinda wanted to go…" Mabel said with a frown. The girl just sat on the couch like that for a brief moment until her expression turned into a smirk. "Wait a minute, tents don't have roofs! Looks like I just found a loophole!" Mabel then pulled a piece of string out of her pocket tied into a loop. "Womp womp!

"...I'm so lonely."

* * *

That night, Mabel had snuck out of the Mystery Shack to head off to the Tent of Telepathy, her excuse being that she was out of feminine products, which immediately shut Dipper and Stan up. The blue tent with the cycloptic pentagram on top matched the one she saw in the commercial, and based on the crowd alone, it looked like Mabel was in for a good show.

"Step right up here, folks. Put your money in Gideon's Psychic Sack." Over by the entrance was a fat man in a Hawaiian shirt and straw hat doing something exactly like Stan's "Sack of Mystery". That was probably where Mabel had to buy her ticket, so she walked over there.

"I can get a ticket here, right?" Mabel asked the man.

"Yep. Just put ten dollars in the sack and-hold on now, what do you think you're doin' boy?!" The man, who was smiling wide a moment ago, suddenly glowered at Mabel.

"Trying to see the show? Also, 'boy'?"

"Think you can just dress up in drag and sneak in here after what you did last time?! I'm _still_ cleaning up all that nasty gunk!" The man grabbed Mabel's arm and started pulling her through dirt.

"Hey! Let go!"

"You best be getting on outta here before I-... hang on, I don't recall your arms being _this_ small and feminine."

"That's because I'm _not_ Dipper! Now let go of me!" The man immediately let go of Mabel.

"Oh, I see! You must be that long-lost twin sister of his people have been talking about! Now it makes sense!

"My name's Bud Gleeful. I'm Gideon's manager and the owner of Gleeful's Auto Sale right behind us. Sorry 'bout getting rough with you before, um…"

"Mabel."

"Mabel. Those Pines fellows have been our rivals for quite some time, and we kind of forget to be civil about it, every now and then. Tell you what, you go inside and enjoy the show free of charge. Consider it an apology for earlier."

"Thanks, mister!" Bud seemed to be a pretty nice guy. As such, Mabel was now thoroughly convinced that Dipper and Stan were exaggerating their hatred of this Gideon person.

"Oh, and take this, too." Bud reached into his back pocket and pulled out a coupon for half off a used car. "Just in case you're looking to buy a used car while you're here."

"Um… thanks?"

* * *

After her encounter with Bud, Mabel finally made her way inside the Tent of Telepathy. Just in time, too, as it looked like the show was starting.

 _Looks like I can finally see what this Gideon guy is about,_ Mabel thought to herself. _I bet has a black turtleneck… and tattoos… and a snake! A big boa constrictor that he wears around his neck like a scarf! Now_ that's _someone worth irrationally hating!_ From behind the curtain on the stage, Gideon appeared, and he had none of the traits Mabel guessed at. Instead, Gideon had a snow-white pompadour and wore a blue suit and a green jewel fashioned into a bolo tie.

Gideon was also small. Very small. Small enough that it was quite obvious that Gideon was either a midget or a small child.

"Hello, America! My name is Li'l Gideon!" Judging by his voice, Mabel went with small child.

That's _Gideon? I guess it makes sense for Dipper, but Grunkle Stan's really made an enemy out of a little kid?_

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a gift to have you here tonight! ...Such a gift. I have a _vision_. I predict that you will soon all say, 'aww.'" Gideon turned his head away from the audience only to immediately face them again with a cutesy expression.

"Aww~!" The audience went, as he so predicted. Mabel couldn't help but feel amused.

"Hit it, Dad!" Gideon pointed to Bud, who was now sitting at a piano, and the man started playing. Apparently singing was going to be involved in this show, meaning Mabel's opinion of it quickly went up a great deal.

* * *

What happened after that was Gideon singing a song about "Widdle Ol' Him" and, just like Dipper said, using cold reading to figure out what various people were thinking about. It was phony and schmaltzy, but nevertheless, Mabel had a good time. Once the show had ended, Mabel left the Tent of Telepathy with a smile and went back to the Mystery Shack.

"Have a good time, tonight?" Even though it was only around eight, Mabel was still a little surprised to immediately see Dipper and Stan when she walked into the living room.

"As much fun as a girl can have buying tampons and whatnot."

"Gross," Dipper said. "Where's your stuff, Mabel?"

"Huh? ...Oh! Right, right. I returned them because the ones I bought were too rough? And they… were out of the soft kind?" Mabel was not doing a good job of covering her tracks.

"Is that right? 'Cause, you know…" Stan started, "I had to go to the pharmacy a little while ago, pick up some ointment for a gross rash that's been festering for a few months-"

"Ew!"

"-and I didn't see you anywhere. Care to explain."

"Um, well, you see… I was at Gideon's show."

"Liar!" Stan shouted, pointing at Mabel. "Wait, did you say you _were_ at his show or you _weren't_ at his show?"

"The first one."

"In that case, AH-HA! Caught you red-handed, Mabel! You're in _big_ trouble, now!"

"But you said I couldn't go under his roof, and tents don't have roofs!"

"I don't want-...huh. Well, you got me there. Never mind." Feeling defeated, Stan left the living room, leaving Mabel and Dipper alone.

"I'm still annoyed by this," Dipper said.

"You shouldn't be. Is it really a big deal that I wanted to have a good time?"

"Since you decided to have one with Gideon, yes."

"Well _sorry_ , but I don't recall being apart of your stupid little rivalry with the Gleefuls." Mabel then turned around and headed for the staircase.

"It's not stupid! Bud's alright, but Gideon's a douche!" Mabel was already upstairs by the time Dipper finished. "Aw, why do I bother?"

* * *

The next day, Mabel was bedazzling some of her clothes in the living room while Dipper was watching a documentary on the Used to be About History Channel. For the hour or so that the kids had been up, they only talked to each other a little, the events of the previous night still fresh in their minds. In the midst of their ignoring of one another, the doorbell rang.

"...Guess I'll get it," Mabel said when she saw Dipper being unresponsive. Mabel got up and walked over to the door, expecting to find a mailman or a Jehovah's Witness.

"Howdy!" Imagine Mabel's surprise at seeing Gideon on the porch.

"Hey, it's Widdle Ol' You! Gideon!"

"Yes, yes it is. And you must be the long-lost Pines twin the town is all a buzz about. I must say, with those dainty legs, that button nose, and overall figure of feminine beauty, you and Dipper look exactly alike!"

"Ha! That's a good one!"

"Mabel, who is it?" Dipper called out, the sound of footsteps signaling his advancement towards Mabel. "If it's a Jehovah's Witness, tell them we're happy with the God we have. Don't need them coming here and-" Dipper silenced himself as soon as he got to the doorway. "I must be coming down with something. How else could I have not smelled the three pounds of hair gel and propane sitting on my doorstep."

"Good morning to you as well, Dipper Pines," Gideon said calmly, despite the noticeable twitching of his eyebrow.

"If you're gonna be civil with anyone, try the door."

"Dipper, don't be rude!" Mabel cut in before Dipper could slam the door in Gideon's face.

"My, the _manners_ on this one!" Gideon exclaimed. "So unlike your brother and that old codger Stanford; you sure you're related to them?"

"Sometimes I wonder that, myself," Mabel said with a chuckle.

"What do you _want_ , Gideon?" Dipper asked, curtly.

"Oh, yes, my reason for coming to this oversized pigpen you call your house," Gideon said before turning back to Mabel. "Mabel, I know we only formally met right now, but when I saw you in the audience last night, wearing that _adorably_ colorful outfit, I knew that I found a kindred spirit!"

"Me too! That little suit you wear is just a _dor_ able! And your hair's so retro! How do you do that?" Mabel asked.

"Reckon I could show you all my products and whatnot if you're really interested."

"Am I?!"

"You are?!" Dipper exclaimed in disbelief.

"I am. Let's go have some fun, Gideon."

"I'd be delighted, Mabel." Like a little gentleman, Gideon took Mabel's arm and escorted her off the porch. Unlike a little gentleman, Gideon turned his head around and quickly stuck his tongue out at Dipper.

* * *

"Whoa~!" Mabel's eyes nearly jumped out of her head when she walked into Gideon's dressing room. "I've never seen so much beauty stuff, before!"

"Not many people in this town care about their bodies, so it makes it easy to stock up," Gideon said as he watched Mabel walk around the room and rifle through his outfits and makeup supplies.

"They don't know what they're missing out on."

"No, no they don't. People always make fun of me for taking so good care of myself, calling it girly and such. I don't think I have to tell you that your brother is one of them."

"You kind of did just now, thou-"

"But you're different, Mabel. You appreciate a man who goes to the trouble of covering up nasty blemishes or giving his hair shine and volume. You have no idea how happy that makes me!"

"Me too! I've never had anyone to do this kind of stuff with, before! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I do believe I am."

"Makeovers!"

"...Right. Makeovers," Gideon said, feeling dejected.

* * *

After spending several hours doing each other's hair and makeup and putting on fake runway shows (apparently Mabel can rock a boy's medium), Gideon took Mabel to the roof of the warehouse where all of the Li'l Gideon merchandise was stored to look at the view.

"You were right, Gideon. The view up here is breathtaking," Mabel said while looking through opera glasses.

"Not as breathtaking as you," Gideon said under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said that I've been having so much fun with you, I don't know what to do with myself! Well, I know one thing, anyway."

"That you want to do each other's nails?"

"No, something else, actually." Gideon turned to Mabel and took her hand in his, the action catching her off-guard and making her move back a little. "Mabel dear, would you kindly do me the honor of accompanying me to dinner tomorrow evening?"

"You mean, like… on a date?"

"That's _exactly_ what I mean! What do you say?"

"Um…" Mabel found herself feeling tongue-tied. While Mabel had liked plenty of guys, plenty of guys had never really liked her. She had never once been asked out by a human, and she imagined her first time being with someone who she didn't see as just someone who she could go shopping with. Still, he was really nice, and Mabel didn't like hurting people's feelings. One date couldn't hurt, and if things didn't work out, he'd surely understand.

"Sure. Okay."

* * *

Another day had passed, and Dipper was still annoyed with Mabel's new friendship with Gideon. Ever since Mabel came home yesterday, she had spent most of the time texting the kid back and forth and giggling nonsensically. Not exactly the kind of thing a guy wants to see when he goes to get an ice cream sandwich after doing two hours of tours.

"Wendy, could you please grab one of the knives from behind the register and stab my eyes so I don't have to look at this?" Dipper asked as he watched Mabel doing exactly what he knew she was doing on her phone.

"Oh, stop being so dramatic," Wendy said. "I think it's cute that Wendy has a little girl friend. And since it's Gideon, it's also funny."

"Well when you put it like that, it's _almost_ tolerable."

"I can hear you two!" Mabel said to them.

"That's why we're saying it." Wendy joined Dipper in a laugh.

"Well bully to you." Mabel stuck her tongue out at them as she put her phone away. "If you need me, I'll be in my room making myself look even prettier."

"Why? Gideon taking you out on a date, or something?"

"Yes, yes he is!"

"Yeah, I bet he-wait, what?!"

"WHAT?!" Stan suddenly ran into the gift shop. Based on the pants hanging around his ankles, the old man was in the bathroom when he showed up (he at least had enough sense to pull up his underwear). "You're going out with that little troll?!"

"I should _probably_ take my break now," Wendy said, leaving the desk and exiting the gift shop through the door, only to immediately walk over to the window to watch.

"I can't believe this! My own flesh and blood, cavorting with one of my many nemeses! This just… GAAH! I've got to hit something with a blunt object for a while." Stan then shuffled out of the gift shop mumbling obscenities, not once making a move to pull up his pants.

"Mabel, _why_ , exactly, are you going out with Gideon?" Dipper asked.

"Well, he asked me out, that's why," Mabel said. "I've never really been on a date with a human before, and Gideon's really nice to me, so I figured I could have fun."

"You will _not_ have fun! He's my arch-nemesis for a reason, Mabel!"

"Well I don't really care about your history!" Mabel exclaimed, brow furrowed. "Maybe you two don't get along, but we two _do_ get along, and I don't see why it's wrong to be friendly with someone I have things in common with!"

"What are you talking about? We have something in common: we're both mystery hunters!" After Dipper said this, Mabel's expression softened from anger to guilt, as if she had just made some sort of huge mistake. "Mabel?"

"Um, well, if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm not really _that_ into all that supernatural stuff." Now it was Dipper's turn to look sad.

"What do you mean? We've gone on a bunch of monster hunts since we started talking to each other. I've entertained you with tons of stories of my past adventures-"

"More like bore me with them."

"So this whole time, you've just been _lying_ to me about liking this stuff?"

"No, no, that's not it!" Mabel waved her hand, dismissively. "It's not like I _hate_ this stuff. I just don't really like it as much as you, so I've been… pretending? Does, does that make it better? If I say pretending instead of lying?"

"No," Dipper spat, brow furrowed in anger. "You know what, Mabel? Go. Go on your date with Gideon. See if I care." Dipper turned away from Mabel and quickly stomped away from her.

"Dipper, wait! I didn't mean to… aw, why do I bother?"

* * *

"And so I told the Mayor, 'That's not a porpoise, that's a porcupine!'"

"Haa! Good… Good one, Gideon…" After her unpleasant talk with Dipper, Mabel left the Mystery Shack to go on her date with Gideon. The boy had, unexpectedly, picked Mabel up on a white horse and took her to the fanciest seafood restaurant in Gravity Falls. They had been enjoying dinner while Gideon told Mabel stories of his celebrity life, all the while the other patrons kept staring at them, basking in the glow of Gravity Falls' newest power couple. For Gideon, this was truly the perfect evening.

At least, it would be, were Mabel paying any sort of attention to him. Sure, she laughed at his jokes, responded to what he had to say, but it was plainly obvious that Mabel was only giving both Gideon and their date the bare minimum of attention.

"Mabel, is something wrong? You've been distant the entire meal; you haven't even killed your lobster yet."

"That… actually isn't related to this. Didn't think I had to say beforehand that I didn't want to go to a seafood restaurant where you kill your own lobster." Mabel poked the lobster's shell with her fork as it snapped her claws at her. "But you're still right. I'm really sorry, it's just…"

"Just what?"

"No, I shouldn't. You'll just get mad at me."

"I would never! If you have a problem, I am here to listen with unbiased ears. You can trust Widdle Ol' Me!" Gideon flashed a cutesy expression, making all the onlookers go "Aww~!".

"Well… okay. It's about my brother."

"You don't say." Gideon's smile fell a bit.

"I kind of made him mad before we came here."

"You don't say." Gideon's smile rose a bit.

"He probably won't want to talk to me when I get home…"

"You don't say." Gideon's smile rose a bit.

"I feel _really_ bad about that."

"You don't say." Gideon's smile fell flat.

* * *

"When I think about it, it really was all my fault. If I made it clear that all this supernatural stuff was just, like, a hobby to me from the start, Dipper wouldn't have gotten mad at me for leading him on like that. But I _just_ got him to like me, so maybe I was afraid that if I didn't make him think I was as in love with it as he was, then he'd start pushing me away, again. What do you think I should do, Gideon?"

"..." This had been going on for half an hour, exactly thirty times longer than Gideon had expected it to. "Wow. That is some deep stuff right there, so _emotional_. And the fact that you are entrusting me and me alone with the task of assisting you truly says a lot about how much trust you have in me. I thank you deeply for that, Mabel."

"You're welcome, I guess. So what should I do?"

"Forget about him. Put Dipper out of your mind and out of your life."

"Um… what?"

"That boy doesn't deserve you if he can find it in himself to be mean to a little saint like yourself. You shouldn't associate with a rude individual like him."

"Hold on, Gideon, just hold on. I know that Dipper's not the _nicest_ guy around, but he's not that bad. And like I said, I kind of messed up, too."

"Did you, though? In all honesty, it's actually more funny than mean how you decided to play along with his silly little 'monster hunts'."

"Dipper didn't see it that way, and neither do I!" Mabel exclaimed, slamming her hand on the table to accentuate her point.

"Okay, okay, sorry. Guess I'm not as unbiased as I claimed to be. I'll try to work on that by our second date, tomorrow."

"Second date? Tomorrow? Our?" Mabel alternated between raised eyebrows at the end of each question. Before another eyebrow could be raised with another question, a South American rainbow macaw flew to their table and landed on Gideon's shoulder.

"MABEL!" The bird squawked. "WILL YOU- ACCOMPANY- GIDEON- TO- THE BALLROOM DANCE- THIS- THURSDAY!"

"Oh, so adorable!" Someone called out.

"Gideon's got a girlfriend!" Another person said.

"What do you say, Mabel?" Gideon asked.

"Uh… could we table this, Gideon?" Mabel asked, apologetically.

"Table it, what? You're saying no to me, in front of all these people?"

"Please don't say no! I'll die from sadness!" An old woman cried. A doctor soon confirmed that that was true on the grounds of him being a doctor.

"I'm not saying no! I'm just… not saying yes. I have other things I want to take care of before I think about more dates."

"What, with that stupid brother of yours?"

"Gideon, stop that. I know you two don't get along, but I _want_ to like him, and you're being rude."

" _I'm_ being rude?" Gideon started scowling for the first time since Mabel met him. "I take you to the nicest restaurant in town, regale you with a myriad of tales, let you prattle on and on about your brother, de _spite_ him being my sworn enemy, and _I'm_ being rude?"

"I'm sorry that I wasn't paying attention to you, that was wrong, but I didn't ask you to take me somewhere this nice, and you _said_ it was alright to talk about it!"

"Make them be cute again, Blubs!" A lanky police officer cried.

"I'm afraid the law is powerless here, Durland," his partner, a chubby black officer, said while wiping away a tear.

"And will you people go away?!" Mabel shouted at the crowd.

"Don't get mad at _them_. They just want to see an innocent child romance; you can't blame them for that," Gideon said. "Now how's about you stop being so stubborn and give the people what they want?"

"Give them what they _want_? So what, now I'm supposed to date you because other people want me to?"

"Ain't that better than not doing it because you feel bad for making your jerk of a brother upset?"

"I thought I told you to stop being mean to him!"

"Why should I?! He's been a pain in my side for my entire life!"

"Yeah, and for _my_ entire life, I didn't even know he existed! I had to go through a lot just to get him to talk to me-"

"And I'm sure you regret it, right?" Well, that was that.

"...You know what I _really_ regret, Gideon?"

"What's that?"

"Coming here!" Mabel grabbed her lobster and threw it at Gideon's head, the crustacean clamping down onto the large area of fat where his neck should be.

"WAAAAAAAAAH!" Gideon fell out of his chair and started rolling around on the floor as he tried to remove the lobster. Gideon's flailing about must have made him look like a worm in some way, because the macaw then started pecking at him.

"Get 'em, get 'em!" Tyler Cutebiker, the town's cute biker, exclaimed as Gideon wrestled with the two animals.

* * *

"Play it again, Wendy! Play it again!" Apparently, someone was filming Mabel and Gideon's date the previous night, including their fight and Gideon being attacked by animals. It didn't take long for it to be put online and be seen by everyone in town. Stan was in the middle of watching it for the 80th. Time.

" _WAAAAAAAAAH!"_ The video sounded from Wendy's phone.

"Ahahaha! This is great! Never thought Mabel going out with Gideon could be a good thing!"

"Really soaking up that schadenfreude, huh Mr. Pines?" Wendy asked.

"Yep. Applying it twice a day, and my skin's looking great!"

"...Right."

"Where is Mabel, anyway? Still up in her room?"

"Think so. Probably still upset about what happened with Gideon. Either that or it's because some old lady had a stroke right after she threw that lobster at him."

"Ahahahaha!" Stan went back to just laughing at the video, causing Wendy to roll her eyes.

* * *

Meanwhile, Dipper was lying on the couch in a dejected stupor, talking to Candy on the phone.

"I don't get it, Candy. Mabel found out that I was completely right about Gideon being a douche, yet she's just holing herself up in her room not talking to anyone. You're a girl, what's going through her head?"

" _Well, this doesn't really have anything to do with the telepathic link all girl friends forge with one another, but I think that even though Gideon is a… jerkface, Mabel is upset that she gained that opinion of someone she had a lot in common with."_ Candy said on the other end.

"Wouldn't have happened if she had just listened to me from the start. That girl is just being ridiculous!"

" _But isn't that kind of why you're upset with her, Dipper?"_

"...Shut up."

" _I'm just saying-"_

"That I should be feeling _empathy_ instead of anger?"

" _Maybe a little."_

"Mabel spent who knows how long just _pretending_ to be in to the supernatural! I thought we had something in common, but it was just a lie! Do you know how that feels?"

" _Well… maybe not on the receiving end…"_

"Huh? What do you mean?" Dipper could hear Candy sigh into the phone.

" _Here's the thing, Dipper. Grenda and I… when the three of us first formed this team, we weren't really that into all this stuff. It took a little while for it to grow on us."_

"How long is a while?"

" _Um… six-"_

"Days? Weeks?"

" _Months."_

"What?!" Dipper sat up on the couch in shock. "Six months?! You two led me on for six months?! Why?!"

" _Well… so what's going on with you and Mabel wouldn't happen to us. You get so into all your monster stuff that it can be a little scary, and we were worried that if you didn't think we were as in love with it as you, you wouldn't want to be our friend."_

"That's crazy! You guys are my best friends, and I wouldn't… I wouldn't… oh my God." Dipper slapped his face in disgust. "I'm such an asshole. And I made you two put up with that for half a year. I'm so sorry."

" _It's alright, Dipper. We like that stuff… almost as much you do, now. Plus, we all found common interests during those six months. You and Grenda like_ Duck-tective _and fighting, and the two of us have band class together and love DD &D. If you just keep trying to be Mabel's friend, you'll find some common ground."_

"But I can't just wait six months for that to happen… I'll talk to you later, Candy. I need to make this right." Dipper hung up his phone and jumped off the couch. Once again, Dipper had screwed up with his sister, the only resemblance of a saving grace being that this time was unintentional. He knew what he had to do, and now that someone was knocking on the door, he would do it as soon as he took care of that.

"If you're here for the tour, you gotta go around-Gideon?" Gideon was standing at the door, looking visibly red with anger, a look Dipper had never seen when he didn't go out of his way to cause it.

"Where's Mabel?!" Gideon shouted. "I demand that your sister come out here and apologize to me!"

"To _you_?"

"I gave her the treatment of a queen, and look what she did! It took ten minutes to get that lobster off of me, I spent over an hour picking feathers out of my hair, and the whole town can't stop laughing at that stupid video!"

"Hey Dipper!" Stan's voice sounded from the gift shop. "When Soos gets here, I'm gonna have him help me make one of those 'dudestep' remixes of this Gideon video! It'll be hilarious!"

"You see?! My reputation has been ruined! Ruined!"

"From what I heard, you deserved it," Dipper said. "You kept trying to pressure Mabel into going on another date with you and you wouldn't stop insulting me, even after she asked you to stop. If you really cared about Mabel, you'd listen to what she had to say instead of thinking only about yourself." _Pot, meet kettle._

"I'll have you know that I was a perfect gentleman!"

"That couldn't be true. You're a douche."

"What?! What'd you say to me?!"

"I said you're a douche."

"I am not a douche! Oooh, that's it! You ruined my life with Mabel by making her care about you, you've tormented me for years, I'm done! I'm dealing with you once and for all, right here, right now!"

"What, you want to fight?" Dipper chuckled as he got into a boxing stance. "Alright, fine. Bring on all two feet of you!"

"Gladly." Rather than go into a stance of his own, Gideon put a hand on his bolo tie, an action that made Dipper laugh a little inside. Was that supposed to be his fighting stance, or something? That was just silly.

Then it started glowing green. As did Dipper. Then he started floating off the ground.

"Wh-What the hell?!"

"Who's the phony _now_ , Dipper?!" Gideon swung his free hand back, the action seeming to cause Dipper to be flung away from the Mystery Shack and into a tree.

 _...Ow. This isn't good._

* * *

Mabel really hated how upset she was. Gideon was as much of a jerk as Dipper said he was, so she should have been happy to be done with him. The problem was that he was a jerk who liked the same things Mabel liked, so hating him only served to make her feel more upset. Add in the fight with Dipper she caused, and Mabel couldn't be happy, at all.

That was why Mabel was in Sweater Town. Head and knees tucked into her sweater, Sweater Town offered all who visited relief from reality's worries. In Sweater Town, Mabel didn't have to worry about her brother being mad at her or her first real date being with an insensitive munchkin. If there were snacks and cute guys there, she'd want to stay in Sweater Town forever.

"I'm gonna get you, boy!"

"I'd prefer it if you didn't!"

"...What's going on?" Was that Dipper and Gideon shouting at each other? And now that she was really listening, was there also the sound of things flying through the air and hitting the ground hard? Why was that something that was happening? Maybe I can leave Sweater Town for a little bit, Mabel told herself. She had to admit that it was odd to be hearing this stuff. Cautiously, Mabel untucked her legs, poked her head out a little, and walked over to the window.

* * *

 _Okay, so Gideon, Gravity Falls' resident TV psychic, apparently has a magic amulet that give him telekinetic powers. Ain't that a big ol' juicy peach?_ Dipper summarized his present situation as such. It was because of such a situation that Dipper found himself repeatedly going behind tree after tree to dodge Gideon's continual onslaught of telekinetically flung sticks, rocks, and dirt clumps. If he could just get close enough to land a punch, it'd be over in a flash, but he couldn't risk exposing himself to Gideon's magic.

"You can't hide forever, Dipper! I'll find you, eventually!" Gideon shouted at the top of his lungs. He had a point. Dipper wouldn't get anything done by just running and hiding. If he wanted to get anywhere, he had to act, and he had to act _now_.

 _Now!_ As soon as Gideon was facing away from the area Dipper was hiding in, he dashed away from the trees and headed towards the Mystery Shack. Stan and Wendy were still inside, and if he got their help, he might be able to get out of this alright.

"Found you~." That was the ideal course of events, anyway. However, not long after Dipper left his hiding spot, Gideon turned back around and caught him in his telekinesis.

"Aw, crapbaskets," Dipper cursed as his body became covered in green light and he was lifted into the air.

"Not so clever now, are you, boy?" Gideon asked with a sneer. "I finally have you right where I want you. You don't know how _long_ I've waited to do this! After so many years of taunting, of immaturity, of unwarranted antagonism-"

"All of which you are equally guilty of."

"Silence!" Gideon squeezed his free hand tight, the action causing Dipper to suddenly have difficulty breathing. "Once I get rid of you, Mabel won't have a single reason to stay away from me!"

"Fat… cha-kh!kh!"

"I wouldn't keep talking if I were you. You only have _so_ much oxygen left, wouldn't want to waste it all on needless quips."

"Worse… ways… to die…"

"Now I find that hard to believe. What sort of demise could be-... well, hello." In the midst of his gloating, Gideon caught sight of something behind Dipper: a very large hole in the ground. "Do my eyes deceive me, or is that Stanford's famous Bottomless Pit?" Gideon lessened the psychic hold he had around Dipper. The boy was so busy gasping for air that he didn't even notice that he was being moved directly over the Bottomless Pit. "Even if the name is a misnomer, it _is_ quite the impressive hole. Wouldn't be surprised if it went a mile deep into the ground."

"Yeah, it's… it's a big hole…"

"Oh, but there aren't any guard railings. What's Stanford thinking? Someone could fall in! Could you imagine that, Dipper? Falling and falling and falling for what seems like an eternity, just wishing it would end, already, the sweet release of death being a welcomed event after agonizingly waiting for oblivion?"

"Um…"

"Well you don't have to, 'cause you're living it, boy!" Gideon removed his hand from his amulet, causing the glow around Dipper's body to cease and send him plummeting into the Bottomless Pit.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," was all Gideon heard from Dipper.

"GOODBYE, DIPPER! Now to work on what I'll say to Mabel to win her back. 'Mabel dear, terrible news! Your brother fell into that giant hole your stupid great-uncle never made safe for onlookers! I tried to help him, but he slipped outta my delicate little hands! What's that? You need a shoulder to cry on? There, there, Li'l Gideon's here, and he's _all_ you need, girl. He's _all_ you'll ever-"

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Suddenly, Gideon was punched in the face and knocked to the ground.

"Ah! What in tarnation was-wh, what?!" Much to Gideon's surprise, standing over him was none other that Dipper, who was doing a very good impression of someone not in the midst of plummeting to their untimely demise. "But how?! I threw you into that giant hole!"

"Funny thing about the Bottomless Pit: there's some sort of wormhole at the bottom of it that sends anyone who falls into it right back to the top at nearly the exact moment they fell in. It wasn't a coincidence that we ended up here; I _led_ you here, knowing that it would be easy to get you to throw me into the Pit so I could use it to my advantage! And now…" Dipper reached towards the still-startled Gideon and pulled the amulet right off of him, "it's over."

"No it ain't!" His face contorted with rage, Gideon leaped up and tacked Dipper to the ground, knocking the amulet out of his hand and several feet away from them. The two boys stared at it for a few seconds before they both decided to go after it. Dipper kicked Gideon off of him and ran towards the amulet, only to be stopped by Gideon throwing a Li'l Gideon brand Blunt Object at his feet and tripping him. Gideon ran to the amulet, but Dipper grabbed at his suit and pulled him down.

"Let go of me, you charlottine!" Gideon spat as he and Dipper wrestled with each other.

"Fat chance!" Dipper shouted back at him while elbowing the kid in the face. The attack had enough force to separate the two of them, but Gideon was able to stop Dipper's movements by pinning down his jacket with two pairs of Li'l Gideon brand Lamb Shears.

"Aha!" Gideon scrambled to his feet and kicked dirt in Dipper's face. "Take _that_! Victory is mine!"

"Victory is _whose_ , now?"

"?!" Before Gideon could go and reclaim his amulet, someone else had beat him to the punch: an incredibly angry-looking Mabel. "M-Mabel! Hi! I actually wanted to talk to you about the, um, _unpleasantness_ from last night."

"When you insulted me for being upset about upsetting my brother who I only _just_ learned existed?"

"Yes, that, but mainly the part where you threw a lobster at me that everyone is laughing about online." Mabel furrowed her brow further than it was before. "Then your brother opened the door when I came knocking and he, well," a sly smirk entered Gideon's face, "he _attacked_ me like the brute he is-"

"I saw everything from my window." That made his smirk vanish.

"Oh… So, does this look as bad as it looks?"

"Well, even after everything that happened last night, your attempt at apologizing involved trying to kill Dipper, so what do you _think_?"

"...No?"

"'No'?! How could you-...Dipper was right. You _are_ a douche."

"I am not a douche!" Gideon shouted, red in the face. "You apologize to me right now, you hear me?! Right! No-Wh-Whoa!" In the midst of his shouting, Gideon was suddenly flung into the air, his body covered in the same green light that Dipper's was, earlier. The same green light that was shining through Mabel's closed hand.

"Oh my God, wow! I can't believe that worked!" Mabel laughed with a smile. "Good thing this apparently takes no effort to use!" Mabel started spinning her arm around in a circle which, in turn, caused Gideon's body to be sent into a spin.

"Heyheyheyheyheyhey Hey! Stop that! Stop that!"

"Don't! Don't listen to him!" Dipper exclaimed, not even trying to contain his laughter as he pulled the lamb shears from his jacket.

"Hey, what's going on out here?" Dipper turned to see Stan and Wendy exiting the Mystery Shack. "I heard the sound of children fighting, so there better be a reason why I wasn't invited to watch-whoa, what?! I don't know what this is, but I love it!"

"Yeah! Keep it going!" Wendy cheered.

"Okay!" The glow intensified and Gideon started spinning in the opposite direction from just a moment ago. "I think I found my monster hunter weapon, Dipper! What do you think?"

"That's… not a _bad_ idea, but now that I think about it, the grappling hook doesn't really fit my ever-changing style, anymore. You can have it, and I'll just take that amulet, okay?"

"Nope!" Smiling, Mabel opened her hand with her palm facing the sky, the glow fading and Gideon falling to the ground with a thump.

"Ohh… So that's how it's gonna be? Fine!" Gideon shouted as he picked himself up. "I'll give y'all today, but this is far from over! So long as I breathe, I won't rest until I exact my revenge on all of you! You will all pay for invoking my wrath! That includes you, Dipper! You, Mabel! You, Stanford!"

"Get in line, kid," Stan said with a blank expression.

"You, Wendy!"

"Oh, no…" was Wendy's emotionless response. At that moment, the sound of footsteps resonated through the air and Soos walked into the area.

"What's goin' on here? You guys having a party, or something?" Soos asked.

"And you! I especially declare vengeance on _you_ , Mr. Ramirez!"

"Aw, man. What'd I do?"

"You will _all_ suffer at my hand! This isn't the last you've seen of Widdle Ol' Me!" Having said his piece, Gideon backpedaled away from the Mystery Shack, the boy pointing at the five of them the entire time.

"Well that happened," Stan said. "Dipper, Mabel, I'm guessing this had something to do with you two."

"Yeah, he was kind of here to make me apologize to him, then he wanted to destroy Dipper for calling him a douche…" Mabel trailed off there. "I'm sorry about all of this, Dipper. None of this would have happened if I had just listened to you."

"No, this was my fault, Mabel," Dipper said. "You only went out with Gideon because you were tired of having to pretend to like the same stuff as me."

"I told you that I _do_ like it, just not as much as you! And I shouldn't have led you on like that-"

"But I shouldn't have made you feel like you had to! We're supposed to be getting to know each other, but this whole time, I've only been thinking about myself!"

"How about you two just both take the blame for this and split it 60-40?" Wendy asked. "Dipper, you're 60, obviously."

"Yeah, yeah. Look, Mabel, let's do something _you_ want to do. We can't only do stuff that I like, so just name it, and I'll do it."

"'Anything'?" Mabel repeated. "Hmmm… Weeeeeeell…"

* * *

"Thanks for showing us your new dance, Bear-O. It was really sweet!"

" _Sweet like…_ honey _?"_

"Oh, you!" After the business outside was taken care of, everyone went into the living room so Mabel could, in her own words, "gift them with a magically enchanting jamboree of fun". Apparently, that consisted of Mabel putting on a ventriloquist act with a stuffed bear that was clearly falling apart and aged through stains and moth holes. What made the act unique was that Mabel wasn't even touching the bear, she was making it float next to her using Gideon's amulet, now tied around her left wrist like a bracelet.

"They're quite a pair, Mabel and Bear-O, her un _bear_ lievable be~ar!" Bear-O's left foot fell off its body and onto the floor. "So? What'd you guys think?"

"..." Mabel's audience of four just stared at her.

"Oh, wow, look at the time!" Wendy suddenly shouted, staring at her arm as if there was a wristwatch on it as she walked out of the room. "I gotta go put off shelving merchandise, like, right now."

"I think the freezer needs to be more freezy," Soos said, also exiting.

"I, also, have a reason to leave! ...That's the end of my sentence," was all Stan said before leaving.

"You weren't a fan of Bear-O either, were you?" Mabel asked Dipper.

"Uh… No," Dipper finally said as he rubbed the back of his head. "Actually, he terrifies me."

"Aw…" Mabel looked dejected.

"...Look, Mabel, if we want to get along, we have to be ourselves around each other. And when a person acts like themselves, it means that they say something when they're having a bad time. So if I'm getting so wrapped up in paranormal stuff that you aren't having fun with me, I want you to tell me and we'll do something else, okay?"

"O-Okay! And you do the same if I'm annoying you with glitter and stickers-"

"And Bear-O."

"No, not Bear-O! Why do you hate Bear-O?!"

"He's super creepy. I can't stand looking at him!"

" _Don't you mean you can't_ bear _it?"_

"Ahh! Stop it!" Mabel chuckled as she deactivated the amulet, making Bear-O fall harmlessly to the floor.

"Let's just play video games, or something," Mabel said. "Do you have anything with lots of blood that clearly wasn't made for children?"

"What _don't_ I have with lots of blood that clearly wasn't made for children?"

"Yay!" Truly getting along with one another was going to take more work than Mabel and Dipper thought, but at least they were willing to do the work.

* * *

 **VLQFH PDEHO'V QRZ DQ HVSHU, PDBEH FDQGB DQG JUHQGD DUH DQ DOLHQ DQG D WLPH WUDYHOHU.**


	4. Amazeng Grace

**This one took a really long time to write, so the quality might vary throughout the chapter. If I can find the time, I'll probably do some editing.**

* * *

"So then my dad's like, 'Wendy, you gotta take things more seriously. You'll never get anywhere if you keep SLACKING OFF!' Dad's, right?"

"Yeah, they're a riot, being responsible, and all that," Mabel chuckled, half-heartedly. When Stan had gone out food shopping, Wendy, in an act of irresponsibility, took Mabel and Dipper up onto the roof to drink soda and slack off, something that Wendy apparently did nearly every day.

"Exactly!" Dipper shouted, Mabel rolling her eyes in response. "Hey Wendy, check this out!" Taking an empty can of Pitt Cola, Dipper chucked it at a target hanging off the nearby totem pole, only for it to go completely off base and hit a squirrel.

"Wow, Dipper. I am _so_ glad I took time out of my day to check that out," Wendy said as the squirrel shook its paw at the three of them.

"Shut up." Dipper punched the older girl on the arm in an attempt to hide his embarrassment.

"Oh, the pain! I've been wounded by the might of your noodle arms!"

"Damn right, this is bucatini you're dealing with!"

"And I'm the sauce!" Mabel cut in. "Right? Can I be the sauce?"

"Yeah, why not?" Mabel cheered at being a part of things. In the midst of this, a van pulled up near the Mystery Shack, the driver calling out Wendy's name.

"Oh, that's my friends!"

"Really? Great…" Dipper said with a bit of a frown.

"You won't tell Stan I left early, right?" Wendy asked. In response, Dipper moved his fingers across his mouth as if there was a zipper on his face. "You're the best, man." Wendy playfully messed up his hair before jumping onto a pine tree, her weight making it bend all the way to the ground.

"Man, you've got some really flimsy trees in this town," Mabel said.

"Yeah…" Dipper just sighed as he watched the van drive away with Wendy in it.

"You alright, Dipper? Please don't tell me that Grunkle Stan and/or I did something to bug you, again."

"No, that's not it… That's not it…"

* * *

"Zero Gravity Dance Party, GO!" The next day, Mabel decided to make entirely good use of her magic amulet to lift Dipper, Candy, Grenda, Wendy, and herself off the ground so they could dance in midair.

"This must be how the astronauts party!" Candy exclaimed.

"Let's find a spaceship!" Grenda shouted. Dipper laughed a little, partly because Grenda thought there would be a spaceship in town, and partly because of the fun they were having.

"Oh, quittin' time!" Then Wendy's phone started beeping. "Mabel, let me down. I gotta meet the guys.

"Okay." Mabel cancelled the telekinesis around Wendy, allowing the girl to land on the ground and be on her way.

"Wendy, wait!" Dipper shouted as Wendy was making her exit. "Um… mind if we tag along?"

"Huh?" Surprised by the question, Mabel lost focus and the kids all fell to the ground.

"Really? You wanna come?" Wendy asked as the kids all got up off the floor. "...Yeah, sure. The guys haven't seen you in a while, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. I'll tell them to wait for you."

"Cool! Thanks!" Wendy then exited the Shack while giving Dipper a thumbs-up.

"I thought we were going to investigate the porcupines that sprout marshmallows from their spikes, Dipper. I even bought a lighter to roast them!" Mabel pulled a pink Zippo out of her pocket that, for some reason, had a picture of a lion saying "A cool cat won't use me for drugs!" on it.

"We can do that tomorrow, Mabel. Tonight, we're hanging out with high schoolers! And some of them are dudes, so…"

""We're in!"" Candy and Grenda exclaimed in unison.

"Well, I mean… if everyone else is doing it…"

* * *

""In the belly! In the belly! In the belly!"" When the kids came outside, they saw Wendy throwing beans into a fat guy's stomach while two skinnier guys held him upside-down.

""Dipper!"" The skinny guys dropped the fat guy on the ground when they saw Dipper, Wendy's bean then hitting him in the head.

"Hey, guys. Long time, no see," Dipper said to them. "Girls, this is Nate, Lee, and Thompson," Dipper gestured to the dark-skinned teen, the light-skinned teen, and the pudgy teen, respectively, all three waving at them. "Over there is Tambry. Hey, Tambry!" Dipper gestured to a purple-haired girl dressed in dark colors standing away from everyone else and messing around on her cellphone.

"...Hey," Tambry said, taking all of two seconds to stop texting and greet Dipper, though she didn't exactly smile when she did.

"That's Tambry being friendly, by the way," Wendy said to the girls. "Robbie, stop being a grump and say hello!"

"I'll _come over there_ , that's it." Mabel's attention was directed to a fourth teenager, a guy wearing a black sweater with a bleeding heart on the front and black hair done in the stereotypical "emo" fashion.

"Oh, great. There really _are_ two of you, now," were the venom-laced words he said upon looking at Mabel and Dipper.

"And _this_ ball of sunshine is Robbie," Dipper said. "You might recognize his graffiti plastered all around town."

"You mean those muffins?" Mabel asked.

"They're atomic explosions! Does that _really_ look like a muffin, to you?" Robbie pointed to the water tower off in the distance, the construct tagged with his graffiti for all to see.

"Kind of." Everyone started laughing a little. Robbie shot Mabeel a glare before turning to Wendy.

"Why do these kids have to come with us, Wendy? I thought you said you didn't _babysit_ at night."

"I don't babysit during the day, either," Wendy said, rolling her eyes. "And I thought we were past not wanting to hang out with Dipper and his friends ever since we went to that haunted convenience store." The other teens started muttering words of agreement, with someone mentioning that it was a good way to spend 21 minutes. "Besides, it's just been the five of us hanging out for weeks. What's wrong with a change of pace?"

"...Whatever. Let's just go," Robbie said, turning away in a huff.

"Glad _that's_ settled," Dipper said with a smile. "Let's rock and roll!"

"""Rock and roll!""" Wendy, Candy and Grenda all shouted.

"Rock and roll…" Mabel said, notably less enthusiastically than her friends.

* * *

The group of ten squeezed themselves into Thompson's van and took off. The ride was rather energetic from a viewer's perspective, with Dipper animatedly telling Wendy about some of his recent adventures and making sure Robbie barely got a word in edgewise, Candy and Grenda doing whatever they could to invade Nate and Lee's personal space, and Mabel was being oddly quiet, something that Tambry may or may not have enjoyed.

"Oh, we're here!" Wendy suddenly exclaimed.

"We are?" Dipper asked as Thompson slowed the van to a stop. "But this is just Greendale Avenue."

"Yeah, but it's what's _under_ the street that's cool."

"Are we fighting alligators, Wendy?" Candy asked as they all got out of the van. "I should warn you that the alligators here don't like company. They also breathe electrical fire."

""Awesome!"" Nate and Lee shouted.

" _You're_ awesome!" Grenda responded.

"Anyway, the street," Wendy cut back in. "The sewers in Gravity Falls have all been remodeled and reinforced over the last few decades, but the ones going from Greendale Avenue all the way to Pawnee Drive? They're the same as they were when the town was first founded. Not by choice, though; these sewers are cursed."

"What do you mean, 'cursed'?"

"She means everyone who's gone down there dun got themselves killed!" A loud voice not belonging to anyone in the group exclaimed, startling all of them. Dipper recognized the voice, though, and when he saw the person standing on top of Thompson's van, his suspicions were confirmed.

"McGucket," Dipper stated.

"That crazy hillbilly who tried to destroy us?" Mabel asked.

"The one'n only!" He shouted, jumping off of the van. "Sorry for frightnin' y'all back there."

"Pfft! Yeah, right. I wasn't scared," Robbie said, visibly shaking.

"Thompson peed his pants," Tambry said, not taking her eyes off her phone.

"I did not! ...Is it bad?" Thompson cried.

"Just tell us what you want, McGucket," Dipper said to the old man.

"Well, I was out havin' my weekly political debate with the local woodpeckers when I noticed you youngins headin' on over here. I hitched a ride on toppa your car so I could warn ya not to do what you're aboutta do! Them sewers are dangerous! No one who's gone down there's ever come back. Terrible forces are at work, there! Dun give me the heebies _and_ the jeebies!"

"Right… good luck with that. I think there's actually a cream for that crap," Robbie said. "So we doing this, or what?"

"Hold on, Robbie. Let's not rush into this," Dipper cut in. "If there really is some sort of dangerous element at play, we should try and figure out a little more."

"Seriously? Little monster hunter's scared?"

"I'm not scared, I'm being cautious!"

"Because of some crazy guy licking mustard off himself!" Robbie wasn't wrong about that. Old Man McGucket was licking dirty mustard off of his elbows.

"...Be that as it may, I've done this enough times to know that it's better to have a plan than to not have one."

"Give me one reason why I should care, you little-"

"He's not _wrong_ , Robbie," Wendy interjected.

"What?! This was _your_ idea!"

"Yeah, but if Dipper thinks it might be dangerous, then maybe we should listen to him. I mean…"

"Boo!" Wendy's friends soon joined Robbie in his booing. Dipper wasn't exactly surprised to see Wendy starting to frown.

"But there _are_ exceptions to this thought process… like now!" Dipper suddenly exclaimed.

"Huh? Didn't you just-" Dipper put a hand out in front of Wendy, stopping her short.

"I know what I did, and I know what I'm doing now. When you're in the business as long as me, you change your mind fast, which is what I'm doing! Mabel, if you would."

"Huh?" Mabel seemed to have her mind somewhere else.

"Mabel, do the thing!"

"Oh, right." Mabel extended her arm towards a manhole cover, the amulet on her wrist glowing in tandem. The manhole cover gained an identical glow, and in another instant, it flew into the air.

"Whoa…" Robbie said with awe. "Guess we know which one's the _cool_ twin."

"I can have her drop that on your head, Robbie," Dipper said. Fortunately for him, Mabel just dropped it on the side of the road. "Let's go!" Everyone let out some manner of cheering as they headed into the sewers.

"For what it's worth, McGucket, I was on your side about not going in there," Mabel said to the old man. "It was for entirely different reasons, but still."

"Aw, thankya, girl! I reckon I'll really appreciate that if you don't croak down there!" McGucket exclaimed.

"...Candy, Grenda, are we gonna die?"

"That's always a possibility in life..." Candy started.

"And it's really strong, right now," Grenda finished, making Mabel grimace and want to run right there.

* * *

"This place stinks," Tambry simply stated after they were all underground and jumped ankle deep into dirty sewer water.

"It _is_ a sewer, Tambry," Wendy responded. "Shouldn't expect it to smell like roses." Tambry just kept typing on her phone in response. "Alright, you guys ready to explore the underground of Gravity Falls?"

"I was _born_ ready," Robbie said.

"Alright, let's go!" With that, they set off through the sewers.

"You know what I want to find down here? A talking skeleton that eats spaghetti!" Nate exclaimed.

"Dude, that'd be awesome!" Lee responded, accentuating his statement with a high five.

"Or annoying, depending on how you feel about that stuff," Dipper said under his breath as the party trudged along.

"Hey, Dipper, thanks for what you said back there," Wendy told the kid as they walked along. "You really helped me out with the guys with all that."

"Yeah, well, that's just the kind of guy I am. Cool, smart, helpful in a pinch, not afraid to change his mind. I am _the_ perfect human being, Wendy."

"You just stepped in some crap, right there."

"It is what it is. When life deals you out a hand, you play with what you got until your opponent stops looking at you and you grab your secret stash of aces. Remember that, Wendy. Remember that." Dipper made a mental note to burn his shoes when he got home.

"Right, right…"

* * *

"Okay, I think I get why the alligators would breathe electrical fire, you explained that pretty well, Candy, but how did they know how to play kickball?" Mabel asked the girl.

"Mabel, if you don't already understand that, then I don't think you ever will," Candy bluntly stated.

"Tough break, Mabel," Grenda said, putting an apparently sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

"If you say so…" Mabel decided to just chalk it up to being another thing that she just had to be there to understand. "Hey, um, guys, what's that over there?"

"Over where?"

"On that wall on the right over there. There's some… thing." Taking note of Mabel's beautifully articulate description, everyone went over to the wall on the right side to see what Mabel was talking about.

"So… what is this?" Dipper spoke for all of them. There seemed to be a large, red-colored indent on the wall that bulged out to about a foot and a half. It was ovular in shape, horizontal in display, and had what appeared to be a large "X" running through it.

"Heh, the wall has a pimple," Nate said with a chuckle.

"Yes, but let's try and come up with a more rational explanation," Dipper said. "This thing is an entirely different color from the rest of the wall, and not even level with the rest of it. Very suspicious…"

"Yeah, it's quite the scary brick. Oooooh~"

"Robbie, will you please?" Wendy asked in an annoyed tone.

"What? I'm just admiring the kid's _brilliant_ deduction, right here. Is that not _allowed_?" As Robbie said all this, he absentmindedly put a shoulder against the out of place brick. As if the scene was taken straight out of a mystery movie, the brick was pushed into the wall, and said wall flung up from the ground to reveal a secret passage.

"Heh. Guess you're not the _only_ detective around here, kid."

"Yeah, you bumped into a thing and accidently made another thing happen. You're a regular Sherlock Holmes, Robbie," Dipper said, his voice oozing with sarcasm, Robbie's response being a furrowed brow. "Still, though, this is worth looking into if Wendy wants it to be worth looking into. Wendy, do you want this to be worth looking into?"

"Um… yes?" Wendy responded with a confused expression that was lost on Dipper.

"Great! Let's go! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy!" The other teens joined Dipper in his chanting as they all stepped into the passageway… which then immediately closed behind them.

"Aah! It's dark!" Thompson shouted. A split second later, light spontaneously appeared to illuminate the area, revealing it as a smooth, white corridor that seemed to link into a multitude of similarly designed passageways.

"Whoa! It looks like some kind of maze!" Wendy exclaimed. "Wait, did that wall just close behind us?"

"Yeah, and it's really tough!" Grenda shouted, punching the wall in a failed attempt to break it.

"Let me give it a shot." Mabel walked in front of Grenda, put her hands out, and shouted "OPEN SESAME!" as she tried to use her amulet's magic on the wall. It didn't move an inch. "Well, I've done all I can do. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but it wouldn't budge. I don't know why, but… I'm really sorry."

"It's alright, Mabel," Dipper said to his sister. "We'll just venture down this mysterious labyrinth. How bad could it be? ...And now that I've said that…"

* * *

"It's terrible," was what Dipper had to say after who knew how long of walking.

"This place is a freaking maze!" Robbie shouted. "Where the hell is the exit?! Candy, you're supposed to be making the map, right?!"

"I've been trying, but it's so weird," Candy, holding a pen and paper in front of her, said. "We keep hitting nothing but dead ends, even when we try to go back to where we came in. It's like this whole place keeps changing every time we take a step."

"The walls are alive!" Nate shouted.

"What are we gonna do?!" Lee also shouted.

"Don't worry, everyone, I can handle this. Wendy's endeavor is still salvageable," Dipper said with confidence. "Just need to figure out if there's some sort of pattern or trick going on here. Candy, tell me everything you've figured out, so far."

"Um, well, the walls are really big, they're too tough for Grenda to punch without hurting her hands, we keep running into dead ends, so either the walls are alive or we're all just really bad at mazes, and finally, there's, um… that thing."

The maze was either very large or very confusing. The walls were giant slabs of white that towered over them all, connected in an endless web of confusion and deceit. They tried to climb onto the top of the walls to get a better view, but that didn't help the slightest in finding an exit. All it let them see was what currently stood in front of them: a very odd statue.

The statue wasn't as large as the walls, but it was still taller than all present company. An intimidating mass of grey stone carved into a smooth sphere that sat atop a mass of tentacles. The sphere even had a red "X", just like the thing Robbie pressed before they came in. Probably the most bizarre thing about it was that, just as they did at this moment, the group would somehow always end up by the statue at some point during their exploration.

"Do mazes usually work like that? Where you just end up at the same spot over and over again?"

"Don't think so, Candy. Don't think so…" Dipper said. "Something's going on here, but the question... is what?"

"Did you pause to make it sound more serious?" Mabel asked.

"...Anyone else feel tired? I feel tired, but this is no place to rest, so let's keep moving!"

* * *

"Aaaand we're back here. Great." Dipper was exasperated for all of them. "But! No problem! We can still get through this, right guys?" Dipper's response was a series of pants coupled with less than enthusiastic "Yeah"s. "Good! Good! Let's keep going, now!"

"If you say so…" Mabel sighed, feeling another wave of tiredness enter her system.

* * *

"Okay, this was cute in the beginning, but at this point, it's just annoying," Dipper said as they all, once again, arrived at the statue.

* * *

"Back here again, are we?" Dipper asked sarcastically as they once again arrived at the mysterious statue. "I think someone here likes us. That's what's happening here, isn't it? You don't want us to leave you, so you keep bringing. Us. Back." Dipper pointed his fingers at the statue with each accentuation of his words, always switching arms and keeping the one he wasn't using pointed at his hip. "This isn't a good look for you, you know. _Very_ unbecoming!"

"Um, Dipper…" A voice came to his ear in tandem with a hand on his shoulder. Wendy's voice. Wendy's hand. "Are you feeling alright? You're acting weirder than normal, and that's saying a _lot_."

"What? Me? No way! I'm fine! But what's really important, what's _really_ important, is that you're fine, Wendy. That this whole endeavor is fine! That's why you need to just sit back, relax, and-...Wendy?" Dipper had turned around to face Wendy, to show her the face of a man who was perfectly fine. Except there was no Wendy to see his face. No Mabel, no Candy, no Grenda, no Robbie, absolutely no one.

"Ghaah!" The hand on his shoulder, quickly swiped off, wasn't even a hand: it appeared to be a giant red slug that was missing its eyeballs. "Wendy?! Mabel?! Candy?! Grenda?!" Dipper's head spun left and right in a rapid frenzy, looking for a sign of his friends.

"Where'd you all go?!" There was nothing. He was all alone. "O-Oh, I get it. I just took a wrong turn and got separated from them. That makes sense. As for the slug, well, that's Gravity Falls, for ya. I'll just retrace my steps and find you guys lickity-split." With that thought in his head, Dipper stepped away from the statue and started walking back through the way he came. After a minute, Dipper was back at the statue, no one in sight.

"Okay, if this is some kind of prank, _Robbie_ , it's not funny! Where are you guys?!" Still not finding any sign of them, Dipper had to circle through the maze once again. He was just going to go back through the way he came, but before he could, some of the walls near him flew off the ground, opening a new path.

"I'm gonna find you!" Dipper didn't question it as he ran through the new pathway. Nor did he question why the new path was colored red and had walls lined with Xs. All he wanted to do was find everyone and get back to the surface as fast as he could. Reality wasn't helping this desire, though, as Dipper was stuck in a pattern of looping through red hallways, ending up back at the statue, and going down another path opened up by randomly moving walls.

"It might be a long and drawn-out process at this point, but you _will_ be found! Mark my words!" Dipper was forced into restarting another loop, the group nowhere in sight. "Get a big red pen and mark them!" Dipper was forced into restarting another loop, the group nowhere in sight. "Put your mark in the shape of a bullseye, 'cause Imma be hitting that!" Dipper was forced into restarting another loop, the group nowhere in sight. "Just you wait, guys! You're all gone be found so hard, you won't be able to walk straight!" Dipper was forced into restarting another loop, the group nowhere in sight. "Just wait for it, wait for it, wait for it some more, and then-"

" _Hey, kid."_ Dipper stopped at the sound of another voice. As far as he knew, there was no one around him, nothing keeping him company except his shadow. His shadow that was now in the shape of a triangle.

" _You're losing it."_

* * *

Dipper's eyes flung open in a flash. Somehow he had ended up asleep, or, rather, knocked out in front of the statue. His dreary eyes and confused mind surveyed the area and saw the rest of the group in the same situation.

 _Well that's bad for a multitude of reasons. We should all get ourselves checked out later,_ Dipper thought to himself. _Right now, though… gotta do a better job of making sure we all don't die!_ Getting back on his feet, Dipper ran over to Mabel's side, waking his sister up being the first thing to come to mind.

"Mabel, wake up!"

"I'll be a good girl, mommy… just leave the macaroni alone…" Mabel mumbled in her unconsciousness. "The macaroni didn't do anything… leave it alone…"

"Mabel!" Dipper grabbed Mabel by her collar and started shaking her body back and forth.

"Macaroni!" Her eyes flew open as consciousness entered her system. "Wait, what? Dipper, what's happening? Are we still gonna die in the sewers?"

"It is now less likely that that will happen, now that I've come to my senses. Everyone else should get up, too!" Dipper shouted that last part loud enough to get everyone moving slightly. "I know that a lot of you were having your doubts, thinking that I was leading you all to your deaths-"

"Definitely," Tambry said, still typing on her phone, despite what just happened. One had to wonder what she was even doing, considering that there was no way anyone got any reception down there.

"But I've figured out everything, just like I always do!"

"What about the time when-" Candy started.

"Except then."

"What about-" Grenda started.

"And then."

""And also-""

"Moving on! Candy! Remember when you said that the reason we kept getting lost might be because the walls are moving? As it turns out, you were actually correct!" Despite not understanding how this was true, Candy applauded herself as Dipper ran over to one of the walls and bent down towards the ground. "Look here at the bottom part of the walls. There are little marks all over them, like they were being scratched at, repeatedly. My guess, if I had to hazard one, is that someone is controlling the walls remotely in order to keep us from finding the exit, if there even is one."

"Wait, really?" Wendy asked, looking down at one of the walls along with the others. Sure enough, there were tiny scratch marks spread out across the very bottom of the wall, even though what little space between the wall and floor there was was far too thin a space for someone to scratch it, themselves.

"Yep, it's amazing what sort of revelations can be made from a drug-induced nightmare. By the way, that happened to all of us, just now."

"Wait, what?!" Needless to say, Wendy and everyone else looked utterly shocked to hear such a random statement.

"Think about it. Why do we keep coming back to this weird-looking statue? Because it's the key to keeping us trapped here. That statue is most likely sending out gas virtually invisible to sight and smell. Once inhaled, the victim slowly becomes more and more exhausted until they pass out and suffers from nightmares."

"And _how_ do you know all this, kid?" Robbie shouted.

"Like I said, this isn't the first time the accidental inhalement of narcotics has helped me solve a mystery. But besides that, I do this kind of stuff all the time, so I have a pretty good grasp on these situations. Part of that grasp is the knowledge that whenever someone tries to gas you, nine times out of ten, that gas is flammable.

"Here's the plan: Grenda, need you to-" Before Dipper could finish his sentence, Grenda had ran up to the statue and punched it multiple times until the top part broke off.

"...That's actually right. Good job, Grenda."

"Yes! Nailed it!" Grenda exclaimed, emphasised with a fist pump. A split second later, a pillar of gas shot out of the statue, the red substance slowly flooding into the underground. "Did I still nail it?"

"More or less, yes. We should all move in case taking that gas in large doses can kill you. Not kidding!" Regardless of Dipper's urging, everyone was quick to move away from the statue and run into the mouth of a nearby corridor.

"What's the plan, now?!" Robbie shouted.

"If you'd stop _talking_. Mabel, still got your lighter?"

"Yeah, why?" Mabel asked, pulling out her humorously decorated lighter.

"Gonna need to borrow-no, wait, that implies you're getting it back-I just need it." Before Mabel could say anything, Dipper had snatched the lighter out of Mabel's hands and flicked it open, the tiny flame appearing almost instantaneously.

"Alright, alright. All coming together. Candy, you made sure to bring your backup slingshot, right? I need you to-"

"Already on it." While Dipper was talking, Candy had pulled out her slingshot and removed the sling, tossing it to Dipper as she pulled out a second slingshot identical to the first.

"You two are on the _ball_ , right now. Mabel, you still need work. It's alright 'cause you're new, but still, you know?"

"Do I know? I don't know. I don't even know what you're doing, right now!" Mabel shouted as Dipper tied the detached sling around the lighter, keeping it in its current position.

"I'll tell you what I'm doing right now, Mabel: saving the day, like I always do!" A look of determination emerged onto Dipper's face as he handed Candy the lighter. "No matter the situation, Dipper Pines always has a plan!" Confidence flowing through his body like water in a Venetian canal, Dipper snapped his fingers in Candy's direction and the girl fired the lighter off of her second slingshot. "Now, Mabel!"

"Now, what?!"

"Move the wall in front of us so we don't get caught in the explosion and die!"

"Wha-oh, yeah!" Mabel finally understood what she had to do. Focusing all of her attention on the nearest wall, Mabel activated her amulet and made it her target. She was exhausted from walking around for who knows how long and inhaling God knows how much gas, but Mabel wasn't going to let them all die on her watch. Mustering all of her strength together, Mabel was able to surround the wall in green light and move it in front of them all mere seconds before the lighter hit the gas, triggering a massive explosion.

The underground was illuminated with dark red light that greatly surpassed the one already present. Silence was replaced with the nearly deafening sound of destruction that wouldn't be out of place in a Hollywood blockbuster. The wall in front of them just barely held as the explosion created a web of cracks across its surface. Eventually, the red light vanished and the sound of explosions was replaced with deafening silence.

"""Awesome!""" Which was immediately filled with youthful cheering. Robbie, Nate, Lee, and Thompson were high-fiving each other, Candy and Grenda hugged the twins with joy, Wendy embracing all four of them with laughter. Mabel exhaled, feeling relieved that everything went well, while Dipper maintained his expression of utter confidence.

 _Holy crap, that actually worked! I was just bullshitting through most of that, and it worked! Go me!_ Utter confidence.

"Owww… hey, what's the big idea?"

"Did someone try to blow us up? Shit!"

"They got _some_ nerve, I'll tell you what!"

"What kinda sicko does that?! Let's give 'em a piece of our minds!" Everyone stopped what they were doing as an array of new voices intruded upon the scene. Mabel moved the wall back into its original position to confirm that they were coming from the other side; specifically, the giant hole in the ground where the statue once was. Surely, they had to be the culprits behind what just happened. To put together a plot like this, they surely had to be utterly fiendish people.

"Alright wiseguys, explain yourselves!" The culprits then revealed themselves, one by one, as they climbed out of the hole in the ground. Much to the surprise of everyone (sans Dipper), they weren't looking at humans; rather, they were looking at six giant, red-colored moles. Needless to say, the previous opinion about them was quickly discarded.

"Are those giant moles?" Robbie asked.

"I should have known," Dipper said, matter-of-factly. "What do you think you're all doing?"

"What do you think _you're_ doing?!" One of the moles asked. "Who taught you that it's okay to try and blow giant moles up?!"

"Probably the same person who told you it's okay to gas people," Mabel said, prompting a loud "OHHHHHHHHH!" from the majority of the group.

"Oh, I may be blind, but I can just _smell_ the smartass look you all have!" Another mole shouted. "Come on guys, let's show them who's boss!"

"""Yeah!"""

* * *

"So this is your cave, I presume?" Dipper asked as the moles, bruised and swollen from the minute-long battle, carried them all into their lair as punishment for their actions.

"Yes, sir…" one of the moles said while on the verge of tears. The light from the maze partially illuminated the otherwise pitch-black area, revealing an open space lined with broken steel pipes. The pipes all fed into a large, red structure that was split in two and collapsed onto the ground. Said structure had signs of fire damage, so it was most likely where the gas was coming out of.

"Whenever humans come in here, we turn on that machine and flood the maze with gas. The gas makes any humans who inhale it increasingly exhausted until they lose consciousness and start having crazy dreams. Once everyone's too gassed to wake up for a while, we're supposed to, well, 'get rid' of them."

"How does that usually go?" Candy asked.

"Better than this!" One of the moles cried, flinching as Grenda shook her fist at him. "And we usually only work when someone's brought here; hardly anyone ever just stumbles in."

"'Cause hardly anyone has my _awesome_ detective skills!" Robbie said, pointing at himself his thumb rather smugly.

"Yeah, good for you, kid." One of the moles quickly dismissed Robbie, Dipper laughing under his breath.

"So why, exactly, are you even doing this?" Dipper asked. "You don't seem like the kinds of guys who kill for fun or because you're violent sociopaths. Guys like that usually cackle all the time or have an obsession with hands, so what's your problem?"

"Oh, no! Nononononono NO!" One of the moles shouted, crossing his forelegs for emphasis. "You may have beaten us black and blue in a visually-astounding battle, one that anyone would be glad to see, but we're not telling you who we work for. Us moles are a prideful group, and you can't sulley that, no matter-"

"AAAAAAAAAGH!" Mabel suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs as she activated her amulet on all the moles and flung them against the wall several times before dropping them to the ground, the moles groaning in various degrees. "Was that… Was that okay, Dipper?"

"Eh, more or less." Mabel smiled at her brother's response.

"You guys feel like talking, now?" Wendy asked.

"Yes…" One of the moles cried. "Please don't hurt us, anymore. We'll tell you everything. The guys we work for are-"

Red sparks shot out of the six moles' heads, simultaneously. The high-pitched electric buzzing was only barely drowned out by their baritone screams.

"I didn't do this, right?! This wasn't my fault, right?!" Mabel asked.

"75.873% sure it isn't!" Dipper shouted back at Mabel. "What's going on with those moles?! Why are sparks shooting out of their heads?!" In an instant, the sparks stopped. The moles started shaking their heads rapidly, their visionless eyes seeming even more glassy and lifeless than before. "Um, hello?"

"What the hell are humans doing down here?" One of the moles, the same mole who was about to give them all information, asked.

"...Huh? What do you mean? You brought us down here literally a minute ago."

"...Huh? Why would we do that? Us moles don't get involved with humans. We have more pride than that!"

"But you just-"

"Now we don't want any trouble, so we're just gonna take you all back above ground. Then we can figure out what all this junk is around here and why I feel like I could use a chiropractor."

"Um-"

* * *

"So then what do I do to get mushroom stains offa my belly?"

"*random clopping of hooves*"

"Hmm… And I can't just usea cream for that?"

"*random clopping of hooves*"

"Well now I think I'm gun hafta disagree with you, there." McGucket was engaged in a rather meaningful talk with a local deer. Said talk, however, was disrupted when the ground beside the crazy old man was torn apart, six giant red moles carrying Dipper and co. on their backs entering his vision before he could even form a reaction.

"Ah! Zombies! Rising up on their subterranean warthogs to eat m'brains!" McGucket shouted as the deer ran away.

"Neither of those sentences are true, McGucket," Dipper said. "Though with the latter, I am already working on some theories…"

"Keep 'em to yourself, kid!" One of the moles shouted as they threw them all off their backs. "And don't come back, you hear me?!" Having said their piece, the moles jumped back into their hole as gracefully as giant moles could, which wasn't much at all.

"Didn'n expect ya to git outta there, alive," McGucket said.

"I almost didn't expect it, either," Dipper replied. "Can't be in this line of work without expecting a little danger, though, right guys?"

"We'd like less of it, though," Candy said, her and the rest of the team standing a little away from Dipper.

"They love it, they really do. And as for you, well, I probably could have taken what you said more seriously." Dipper kept his eyes away from McGucket, but he could tell that the old man was smiling at what he said.

 _Probably the first time anyone's been even a_ little _glad to have him around._ "Stop smiling, this doesn't mean I'm forgetting about all the killer robots. Why are you even still here?"

"You folks are m' ride home!" McGucket then proceeded to do a standing backflip onto the roof of the van, sending Thompson into a panic.

"Great…"

* * *

"Alright, well that was all unexpected. Should I file this a Rank 6 conspiracy or a Rank 7? Probably Rank 7, on account of the color-coding, but there's also animals involved. All that electrical stuff looked painful, so that could be filed under animal abuse, so would that put it closer to Rank 8? Unless they knew what they were getting into, then it's closer to a Rank 7. I can't figure that out, though, because they're either playing dumb or had their memories erased. Maybe by some sort of brain implant? The sparks _were_ coming from their heads, but then what kind of power is it running? Has to be a lot to produce something visible, and if it's in their heads, it has to be-"

"Dipper, we're home. Also, stop talking." Mabel's voice cut Dipper out of his self-induced trance.

"Huh?" Dipper looked out his window to see that they were back at the Mystery Shack. "Oh, look at that. I should be able to get my thoughts together better in my room."

"Yeah, you do that." Mabel gave a small grin as she exited the van.

"You and your friends want to get out, too?" Robbie asked Dipper.

"'Thanks for saving my stupid butt, Dipper. You're so cool, man!'" Dipper said, giving a terrible impression of Robbie. "Ah, I don't know why I bother. Of all the people I wish would say something like that, you're one of the least likely to do it."

"Out." Robbie was practically pushing the kids out the door. Taking notice, they all got out, Candy and Grenda saying goodbye to Nate and Lee rather enthusiastically.

"Oh, wow, look at that, I left my wallet inside," Wendy said, tapping herself on the head. "I'll just walk home, guys. See you later."

"See ya." A quick goodbye to the rest of her friends, and Wendy was out of the van as it drove away from the Mystery Shack, Old Man McGucket dancing on the roof.

* * *

"So you thought that this made more sense than, I don't know, getting up to change the channel?" Back with the children, the four of them had arrived at the Shack just in time to see Stan throw the TV out the window, the excuse he gave being that he couldn't find the remote.

"The thing was, like, _two feet_ away from me, Dipper! I had no choice!" Stan shouted through the broken window.

"But if you got up to throw it out the window, why didn't you just change the channel, then?" Grenda asked.

"I don't go back on my decisions, kid, no matter how ridiculous they are. When you get as old as me, you have the right to be irrationally stubborn. Now someone clean this mess up."

"What?!" Dipper shouted.

"When you're as old as me, you also get to make the young solve all your problems. Ever hear of social security?" Stan then walked away from the window, laughing the entire time.

"Stan being a jerk, again?" Wendy asked as she appeared by the group.

"Yyyyyep. Sometimes, Stan just… Candy, Grenda, just go home. I'll email you a report on tonight's activities, along with… three hypotheses on what this could all mean."

"Okay, see you later, then!" Candy said with a wave of her hand as she and Grenda walked away from the Shack.

"Hey Mabel you mind if I take your brother away for a bit?" Wendy asked, making Dipper's eyebrow rise.

"Yeah, it's fine," Mabel said, activating her amulet and lifting the TV off the ground. "I got this." Mabel then moved the TV behind her and entered the Mystery Shack, leaving Dipper and Wendy alone.

"Well, this is unexpected. You need help finding your wallet, Wendy? It's not just by the register, or something?" Dipper asked.

"I didn't leave my wallet here, Dipper. Actually, I don't know _where_ my wallet is. I actually dropped it on the way to work, and I didn't even notice until my break. For the life of me, I could not find it anywhere, and I'm really hoping I'm just bad at finding things, 'cause it'd suck if someone stole it, right?"

"Uh, right… Is that what you wanted to tell me, Wendy?"

"Oh, right, my bad. Why were you acting so weird, earlier?"

"...Huh? Me? Weird? I'm always weird. I'm a weird person, Wendy, you know that." Feeling nervous, Dipper took a few steps back away from Wendy.

"Yeah, but this wasn't regular Dipper weird; it was more like 'normal person' weird." So now Dipper wasn't seen as a normal person in his friend's eyes. He could live with that.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Dipper found himself taking more steps back.

"Well, you seemed to _really_ want us all to have fun, even if it meant ignoring how dangerous things could be. I know that you're not a _total_ buzzkill, but you definitely are one, so what's up with that?"

"Again, no idea what you're talking about." Dipper was taking more steps away from her.

"Come on, man, I've known you long enough to know when you're lying. Whenever you lie, your nose always wrinkles up."

"What, no it doesn't!" Even though Dipper said this, he still found himself touching his face as his body hit the wall of the Shack. Nothing was going on with his nose, but that just ended up confirming what Wendy said. "Alright, maybe I'm not being honest."

" _Really_?" Wendy rolled her eyes to emphasize her sarcasm. "So, why did you feel like putting people's lives in danger on purpose?"

"Um, well, I…" Dipper could feel his body sliding down onto the ground, yet he did nothing to stop it, like it was the only position he was allowed to take at that moment. "I just really, _really_ wanted everyone to have a good time, tonight. Then, if that happened, you'd want to hang out with me more… maybe..."

"Wait, what? We see each other, every day."

"Yeah, _see_!" Dipper shouted, flinging his arms about. "We used to actually _do_ stuff all the time! But ever since you started high school, you've been spending most of your time with Tambry and _Robbie_ and all your other friends, and we barely ever do anything."

"Hold on-"

"When I heard that Stan got you a job at the Mystery Shack for the summer, I was _so_ excited that I'd get to hang out with you again, but then as soon as your shift ends, you always run off to hang out with your high school friends, and I just… ghha!

"You're… You're my best friend, Wendy, and it just feels like I'm losing you…" It was here that Dipper sunk his head down in shame.

"Oh… wow. Dipper, I didn't…" Sighing, Wendy moved forward and sat down next to Dipper. "Look, you know that I would never go out of my way to ignore you, right?"

"Yeah, I know…"

"And I know that you probably want me to say that I'll never ignore you again and I'll only ever hang out with you, but… I can't. It's like you said, Dipper: I'm in high school. Sometimes, I'm gonna want to hang out with people my own age and do stuff only people my own age want to do. It's nothing against you, it's just how that works."

"Yeah, I know…" Dipper maintained his downcast expression.

"But you shouldn't go around thinking I'd just forget about you." Wendy wrapped her hand around Dipper's, causing the boy to look up at her. "You're _my_ best friend, too. I might not always have time for you, but that doesn't mean I'd ever put _Robbie_ or any of my other friends ahead of you."

"Well, at least we both agree that Robbie's an ass."

"Hey, he's not _that_ bad. The guy has his good days, and eventually, I'll be around to see them." Dipper started laughing at Wendy's comment.

"So, are we cool, Wendy?"

"Like a bag of ice." Wendy then messed up his hair a little and gave him a quick, friendly hug. "And besides, it's not like I'm the _only_ person you can hang out with. There's still Candy and Grenda and Soos…"

"And Mabel, can't forget Mabel."

"Aww, look who loves his sister!"

"Shut up, I _enjoy_ spending time with her!" Now Dipper was just feeling embarrassed. "Alright, I learned my lesson and had my weekly heart-to-heart with someone, you can leave! Go find your wallet before you have to file for identity theft!"

"Yeah, yeah. ...I really should find it, though." With that, Wendy stood up and dashed away from Dipper and the Shack. "If you want to hang out, just do what you did today and say so!"

"Will do!" Dipper called out as she ran off, both smiling all the while.

* * *

"So, Wendy all done telling you how much of a butt you were being?" Those were the first words Mabel said to Dipper when he walked inside.

"Was it _that_ obvious?" Dipper asked.

"Dipper, if _I_ could figure it out, then you definitely weren't doing a good job at the whole subtlety thing. It's fine, though; not like you're the _only_ person who can be insensitive. If I couldn't do it, too, I wouldn't be able to do this!" With a flick of her wrist, Mabel activated her amulet and lifted the shards of glass from outside into the window frame, bringing it back to its pre-shattered state. As soon as she deactivated it, though, all the glass fell out of the frame and back onto the ground.

"And where, oh where, would we all be if you couldn't do that?"

"Shut up. I'm going to bed." Mabel gave a little smirk as she walked past Dipper for the staircase.

"Hey, Mabel, were _you_ alright?" Then she stopped in her tracks. "I mean, you seemed kinda awkward around everyone, so I was just thinking that-"

"Nope, nothing's wrong. Absolutely nothing."

"Really? 'Cause I-"

"Can't talk, bro, gotta fly." Mabel then activated her amulet on herself and levitated her body up the stairs before Dipper could keep talking.

"...Eh, I'll worry about it, tomorrow. ...If I remember. Compiling all of that stuff from tonight's gonna eat up a lot of my attention. What was that all about, anyway?"

* * *

" _Well, we lost the maze."_

" _I knew we should have changed the opening mechanism."_

" _How many people voluntarily go in the sewers, though? Sure,it would've been justified through hindsight, but at the time, we were right to not want to spend all that money."_

" _And look where we are now: with_ out _a murder maze!"_

" _At least the moles didn't reveal anything too damaging. Good to know that the chips did their part."_

" _Really, though, the blame falls solely on Dipper Pines and his friends."_

" _They always cause trouble for us and this town."_

" _They've even added a new member to their group who wields psychic abilities."_

" _Those brats are nothing but a menace! We have to eliminate them, now, before it's too late!"_

" _Patience, Brothers. Patience, Sisters. We can't deviate from the plan."_

" _That's right. If we stick to the plan, then everything will go in our favor."_

" _Our peace will be maintained."_

" _Our enemies will be silenced."_

" _All we have to do is wait until everything is ready. It won't take that long, and until then… we can turn a blind eye to those kids."_

* * *

 **FDQ BRX HYHQ VHH PH? SOHDVH VDB QR. L OLNH LW ZKHQ SHRSOH DUH EOLQG.**


	5. Pines, Stan the Family Man: Year 0

**Just a small something to show that I'm still alive.**

* * *

"Hey hey hey! What's up, dudemeisters?! Is that something kids say? I hope not, 'cause that's terrible, just like all the other terrible words kids keep inventing. God, I hate the 90s." A man wearing a black suit and a fez was talking into a camera. From his numerous wrinkles and brown hair streaked with lines of white, it seemed like the man was fairly old. "Anyway, my name's Stan Pines, and this little guy-" Stan turned the camera over to what appeared to be a baby crawling around on top of a dinosaur skull, "-is my grandnephew, Dipper."

"Now, you may be asking yourself a few questions," Stan said, stepping back in front of the camera. 'Where are his parents?' 'Why is this tiny person alone with you?' 'Why am I wasting time at my house when I could be spending all my money at the Mystery Shack?' All good questions! You see, Dipper's parents… they uh, can't take care of him, right now." Stan had been smiling since the start of the video, but now he suddenly started frowning.

"They're not dead or anything, but um… look, they just can't take care of Dipper, right now. Only other person who could take him in was brother Shermie, and that guy's so old his liver spots got liver spots. Not to say I _hate_ being stuck with the kid, but…" Stan started nervously rubbing the back of his head.

"Look, if you know anything about me, then you know that I wouldn't be anyone's first choice for being a parent or a babysitter, you might not even want me looking at your kids. But Dipper, well… kid's only a few weeks old, but we do have one thing in common: we don't have anyone else to count on." Stan crossed his arms over his chest with a smile. "So I'm gonna be the best parent this kid could ever have! And that's why I'm making these tapes: to document Stan Pines' journey to great parentdom. Maybe I can even sell 'em in the Shack when I'm done! Hahahaha! No, no, seriously, though, I'm gonna be the best parent in the world!" Off on Stan's right, an infant Dipper fell off the skull and onto the floor.

"When I turn around, I'm going to pretend that he was on the floor the whole time."

* * *

"And this is the Museum of Mystery, where all the magic happens." Stan had now brought baby Dipper into a new part of his home via stroller, his camera, included. "I've spent nearly two decades filling this place to brim with the best stuff you can get out of ten dollars, a bottle of glue, and unsuspecting saps having their backs turned for too long. Once you're old enough, I'll teach you everything you need to know about the trade. Though now that I think about it, why wait? I could put you on display as 'World's Tiniest Man'! Hahahahaha! That one wasn't a joke. I think it could work! What about you, kid?" Dipper's response was to suddenly burst into tears.

"Ah, what the-um, gosh darn heck! All I did was talk about forced child labor; is that so wrong?!" Baby Dipper kept crying, leaving Stan bewildered as to what he should do. He tried silly faces, he tried jiggling his keys, he even tried giving Dipper a twenty-dollar bill, but he just kept crying.

"Wait a minute! My mom had a trick she used to shut up Shermie's kid. How did it go, again? You like, um… get the baby so drunk that they'll be too hammered to cry? ...Yeah, that makes sense." His decision made, Stan ran out of the museum, leaving the crying infant all alone. After about thirty seconds, he came back into the room holding a can of beer in his hands.

"Okay, Dipper, bottom's up and shut up." Stan pulled the tab and moved the can over to Dipper. "Wait a minute, Stan! What the hell are you doing?! Are you crazy?! This is the kid's first drink, and you're gonna make it _light_ beer?!" In a small fit of rage, Stan threw the can onto the ground. "Stay right here, kid. I'm gonna get you a _real_ drink. Maybe a glass of scotch, or some-YYYYHHHAAA!" Unfortunately for Stan, when he threw the can on the ground, the beer spilt out into a puddle on the floor. A puddle that Stan stepped in, causing him to lose his footing and fall headfirst into a display.

In the midst of spouting numerous obscenities, baby Dipper's crying was replaced by innocent laughter.

"Well would you look at that? The kid likes seeing me in pain!" After a few seconds, however, baby Dipper stopped laughing and his eyes started watering. "Oh no! The kid likes seeing me in pain!"

* * *

"Well… that happened." An exhausted and slightly bruised Stan Pines collapsed onto the floor of his gift shop, baby Dipper sleeping peacefully in his arms. "Only been a few hours, and I'm already too old for this. I'm closing the Shack tomorrow to sleep off all this nonsense." Despite his words and all the self-inflicted _Three Stooges_ -esque pain, Stan still had a smile on his face. Things were going to be alright.

Then, noticing some whipped cream on the heel of his shoe, Stan wiped it off on the large triangle emblazoned on the rug. It almost looked like he was laughing while he did it.

* * *

 **Vlqfh Glsshu'v uhdo qdph kdv bhw wr eh uhyhdohg lq wkh pdlq vwrub, lw zrq'w eh xvhg khuh wr suhvhuyh wkh pbvwhub.**


End file.
